Still waiting....Still waiting..

Still waiting...

Yep, the beginning of a new period of waiting. Waiting for the specific child that will be matched with us. Why her, why us? I remember wondering about that before Eli came home. And now, he has just begun to wonder the same.

I like to say it was meant to be....but the randomness of it is what is scary to him, to us. How do so many stories work out? I think it has to do with opening your heart and letting the love in. Connecting with your baby, your child, whomever they are and accepting them. It starts there and grows and grows. That is what we dream about now, with whomever, wherever our daughter is, now....

I think that this aspect of opening to a person who is a stranger when you first meet is scary for so many people, especially for those who come from traditional families. Family is something that looks like you, sounds like you, comes from you. This is the basic things we learn, before we can talk.

With adoption, it starts with the heart and has to continue with the heart. You cant take connecting with your child for granted, you must slow down and do so, and it isnt always easy. Attachment style is something that you get, left over from your family and from their family - the people that have raised you and those before you. Both the leftovers and the best they could do.

Yes, my grandmother was a motherless daughter; my mother is an excellent mom, but when Eli hit 3 or 4, I found myself, unconsciously "running" away, walking in the other room, to clean, to do an errand, to be alone, I guess - but it wasn't planned. It was a compulsion, that felt like it came from outside of me. I had to stop, and sit and just be with him, and with myself to let it go. It didn't take an enormous change, but I had to figure out what was going on to try and change it. It took about 3 months to at least make a dent in it.

I once read, in ADOPTIVE FAMILIES Magazine, that some adoptive families reported that many people, family and friends, often "discourage" a second adoption. As much as they love your first child by adoption, they have forgotten how they opened their hearts, they have forgotten their fear of the stranger, of the new. You just have to be brave, just a little brave.

Once we have a picture, then the waiting will be come excruciating. Oh well, we have waited two years, so far, lets just put it in the bank. I guess she doesn't like to be rushed, she likes to make an entrance.