Sunday, February 27, 2011

Is this working?

I hit return and posted a completely empty blog post. Being a mom completely sucks sometimes.

Okay, the pay is bad, the hours worse and other than the pure obsession your children can have with you, as a parent, you tend to only notice what you are doing wrong, not what you are doing right. And if you find doing laundry and dishes fulfilling, I should shoot you now. All in all, a crazy job.

I also try to work. I play music. I am a professional musician, or I used to be. Yes, I attempt to rehearse, play, book and perform in a music group, Tango Number 9. It also doesnt pay that much, (still more than being a mom does, but, that is a very futile road to even go down!) My web page is behind the times, my last three and more importantly, my next three shows are not even on the gigs page, I have two contracts I need to nail down, and a mini-tour to book and an album to edit and finishing producing. Just writing it all down makes me start to panic. I cant even begin to imagine editing the album. When am I going to fit that in?

What happened? My dear busy, hang from any space she can find, fall down 15 times a day, almost no nap girl came home. Now, dont get me wrong, she ROCKS. I am crazy about her, even is she can spend a whole day screaming, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA (she is quite obsessed with me, please refer back to the job description in paragraph two) which has a definite down side. Everyone in the house starts to loose their minds, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA.

And she is much better than she was. She gets a little strung out if too much happens in one day. She gets bored and climbs on the kitchen table or hangs from the sink in the bathroom, or her brother's Stoke Chair in the kitchen, if not enough happens, so it is a fine line. Too much stimulus, baby screams mom all day, not enough, baby falls down and flips out. Getting the balance right is almost impossible.

I am having trouble with my rotater cuff and shoulder, and, she is growing like a weed (from the less than 10 % in height, less than 5% in head circumference when she came home to the 60% in Height and head! She grew 2 inches from her year appointment to her 15 month appointment. The nurse measured her twice, as it was surprising. YEAH!

Speaking of which, this Friday, she has her shots as she was sick as can be at her last appointment. The doc wanted to give her the shots anyway, but I still had the darn virus and it was an ICKY, nasty cold. I still sound hoarse.

And look...I have moved completely away from WORK again. I am a musician for goodness sakes, it's my passion, and I cant even get my head around it. The screaming of one day makes me think I should hide under the bed and go to sleep.

I did outsource something. My dear son, home since he was 10 weeks old, the keeper, the first boy to stay, other than the original puppy boy, who has recently been torn from us, but I digress....MDS, loves science. Okay, something about myself as a mom, I just cant get around the mess of science and art, so I have learned to outsource as much as possible. I am trying to loosen up with number 2, is an uphill battle. My excuse? I really only ever did Sunday school art, at least that is all I remember.

His godparents are helping with his schools science fair and we got together today to talk about he rockets we could build and the rocket we are going to build. They are so incredibly cool to help him. He was thrilled, although, it was hard to tell as he was also busy completely playing wiht his two friends that came over. We shot off some soda pop geysers, picked a simpler rocket than originally planned and agreed to meet next week.

Music, Music they cried, and everyone grew famous.......

who said that anyway?

I do have to write more on the whole work vrs mom thing, but who knows when I will have time.

that's all for now

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I do not accept this type of justice

okay. this is a sucky week.

It is raining.

We are not moving to some cool country.

We all have a nasty cold, but the baby appears to be slightly impervious to getting tired, anyway. She did throw up her phlegm all over me and then scream for an hour. Poor girl. She is getting it last. I hope she doesnt get the fever her brother and I have had for the last week. The coolest thing about it was hanging out with him as one of miss thing's slaves entertained her whilst I was sick as could be.

At least my sister has been here to help. Thank goodness.

We are not going skiing for ski week. We are not going to Hawaii either. Mark Harry Potterland and legoland off the list also.

Rumsey is gone. He fell off a cliff and died. I am bereft. He was our first boy, the boy that stayed with us. He loved me without reservation, without any boundaries. He couldnt help himself. His life began and soon after, we were engulfed by tragedy. As a tender puppy, he had the job of trying to keep Mitchel and I in one piece after Zeno died so unexpectedly. And what a job he did of it. He worked so hard. If we argued, he took it personally. He was so much more than a dog to us, we are so very much diminished. and to loose him, as healthy as he was, to have his life book-ended by another tragedy, is so very very hard.

Sudden, accidental death is so very hard to wrap your head around. Really, it is an act of god, the kind of thing that people who have the energy to mop their floor every night before they sleep are trying desperately to avoid, but really, there is no avoiding it. Either the hand touches you or it doesnt; there is no controlling accidents. Not really. we live in this life, thinking we have control over things, but so many of the big ones are out of our hands. When we are born, we we die, if you are going to get hit by that bus, be lucky in love, keeping our loved ones safe, so many are actually not really in our hands. That doesnt mean we dont try to control our lives, but usually, that control is only illusion.

The greatest paradox is that everyday people die and it doesnt effect you. Then, when it does, you are so lost. I know he was our puppy boy, but he was so very good to us. He was so patient and he loved more than he should. That was said about him, he loves you more than he should.

Really, i do not accept this type of justice, but what choice do I have?

My life is not the same without him.

Here is wishing him the highest possible evolution such a special spirit like his can have. I so wish he had not left us so soon.

and the rain falls and falls.