Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Rain, rain......

It is almost about to rain, but the question is what? and when? And how about where?

Will this path lead to our family growing? Will we stay and fix up this big ol' house in the mission? Are the members of my band going to change? Will we move? Will we get to record at the Chapel of the chimes? Will the new baby come home quick or slow? Are they born yet?

One thing is certain, Rumsey will want another walk. He is a fine dog, almost 7 years old now, and if he would stop leaping into the air chasing his ball, his legs would be much better off. It's costing a mint to keep his body working, and then he leaps and starts it all over again. Oh well!

And he loves, loves, loves walking in the rain. That can be a wonderful thing, really. I miss our mornings at McLaren Park, the wild hidden wonder of San Francisco. One dreads going out in the rain, but if you are dressed right and it isnt miserably cold, it becomes so beautiful to be outside. I miss that as a mom, being out in the wild every day. The Persidio is our new extra haunt and it is also beautiful.

Eli is giving me the business lately. What he wants, who knows! But he is pushing my buttons. I do know, that this time, it is not an "adoption" issue. Just mom/son politics. He spends most of his time interacting with me as a baby kitty. He even likes to try and use kitty sign language to tell me his needs. He wakes up a baby, and comes and gets me as a baby. It does drive me mildly nuts, but as Darcy says, ask yourself, what does he want from it. Unconditional love. Okay. He also wants to practice being a big brother. I am little sister and he is the big brother, keeping me safe.

I know he wants to be an older brother. I've been trying not to emphasize it again until we know more.

I wonder about his birth family. Does he have older or younger siblings? Are any in the states? I have registered on the Guatemala Birth Family Registry, but no luck as yet. We are starting a search, but I have to have the hours to research the searchers, get their contact info, ask for references, and think more about what we hope for, what we can hope his birthmom might want. I hope connection is possible, but I do worry that we have so much of the control. The ability to search. The passport to the riches of el Norte, the money. The imbalance is difficult. And I wonder about opening a can of worms, especially with the idea of a burden for my son.

But, it is easy to imagine the difficult things, and less easy to keep hold of the beauty and warmth, the intangilbles that make up most relationships. Just as it is easy for people to talk themselves out of being parents, it is so hard to realise what a real connection does for you....the joys of hanging out with E when we are in the groove are impossible to define. A relationship, a true connection has to have the potential for good.

In these times, let's hold that thought.