What a wild road

Parenting is such a wild road.

First. This road is SO much easier the second time. She is more high energy, easily bored, but it is so much easier not constantly second guessing myself. If she is hungry, I feed her, if she is tired, I put her to bed or wait 20 minutes with a short outside activity (she LOVES to watch trees) to push towards bedtime, and I put her to bed. If she cant get comfortable and go to sleep, i put her in her crib and she works it out, in about five minutes, with no crying. i just pat her back or talk to her a bit. The first time around, we worried about all the wrong things and dumb things. Should I feed them again? Are they hungry? Then, yes! Change the diaper, feed them, love them up, carry them around, put them down to play, lots of eye contact, play with them, and you are in fine shape, really.

The first time, the lack of personal preference, the lack of autonomy that is instantly gone with your first child, is so incredibly shocking. With adoption, you look forward to parenting in such a huge way, but, still, the ambivolence of giving up all real and imagined freedoms of adult life, going to a movie, whenever you feel like it, read a book, work, whatever, suddenly has to be stuffed into a few short minutes or hours when you really just want to catch up on your sleep. The second time, you at least know, this too will pass, at least a little. The first year is long, but it is gone in a flash. Suddenly they are almost six years old.

Then, I worry.

Her eye contact is not as good as Eli's at 7 months, but she has only been home a month and I had the horrible work weekend from hell last week. I am a musician and work part time, mostly not right now with Ms. Lulu home only a month from Ethiopia, but still and last weekend I had a rehearsal and gig for the entire saturday, then a gig Sunday evening and Monday evening. Fun, fun, fun. the first day was a disaster, her DF tried his best, but our son, Mr. E, finally said, Dad, you are doing the best you can. Day three, she finally went to sleep for him without screaming, but she really thought he was just a lovely walk on, a guest actor, important, but not her main squeeze.

That said, are we really connecting, as much as she needs? How is the attachment going? She is way more attached, but she still looks away alot. Is it just intrest in the world that is normal or should we try even harder? With an older child in the mix, it is more work to try and connect with her. With our first, he came home from Guatemala, and so young, 10 weeks, it still took him 6 weeks to give us real smiles and great eye contact.

So, more face to face, more time in the Bjorn. She really, really dislikes the Ergo carrier. it must be some subtle strap adjustment, because I borrowed someones int he parking lot and she loved it and it fit great. I come home, try ours out and she slips way too far down and screams, as it was stretching her legs to far. I bought it in town at a little store, so i think I will just take it in and ask. But, bummer.

I met someone, a new dad in Eli's school and he brought up attachment, a passion of mine. He said something like, I just try to remember, smile a lot, laugh a lot and lots and lots of eye contact. That's it. but then you need two hands to make the PB&J, two hands to load the washer, two hands to tie your big boy's shoe and suddenly floor time has been too much of the day's activities. Or even trying to have two kids in the pool and keep eye contact with the baby, at least some of hte time. it gets exhausting, working it in.

OK. Maybe exhausting is an exaggeration, but I am Tired, with a capital T, tonight. She woke up at 330, wanted me and I dont remember when she was up and down, but I was up as much as not. Ick. And then we had a lovely day and the band came over for a goodbye lunch and swim for Isabel. It is sad to have an era end, but it was a sweet day.I wish we had played a little music too, but .....we have done that before and we very well may again. And the baby was really sweet, connecting with Joshua and Isabel. So wonderful.

Time to get my big boy to sleep. he is afraid of having bad dreams, and cant get to sleep. Boy oh boy. Does it really go so fast?

Pictures as soon as my computer comes back in the mail. I cant do anything about it until it comes back. I cant wait to get some pictures up here.

Sweet dreams.