Oh...Oh...Oh..

We have a referral.

She is lovely and perfect. She is absolutely beautiful and I want her home right now.

Yesterday.

The second medical report came and she gained 1.5 pounds in a month, a bit less than she should have, but pretty good. I had a visceral response that said she needed me right NOW and why weren't they feeding her; I did not believe this is based in any kind of logic, just an insane mothering instinct kicking in. Turns out, it might be based in some fact. A internet PAP (perspective adoptive parent), told me that in the orphanage, she gets just enough, no excess.

All I know, she is tiny and much, much younger than we had expected, but she is who she is and we cant wait.

I want to go right now and stay for the three to five months. Stay and not come back until she can come home with us. I dont think that will work.

The CBS news report broke today and I announced on my yahoo groups today. My sense of timing is impeccable.

I went and spoke with the wise woman Lyn this past week trying to figure out what has me so wound up, other than the million things on our plate....lets see, buying a house, adopting internationally, from a country that has a late breaking scandal. The good news on that front, our agency is now certified and approved, one of 7 or 8 who are, and the Embassy reacted to scandal last year, closed all adoptions, and then reopened with new guidelines. I believe we have to go forward with the belief that she needs a home and we are here.

This path has been tricky. When we began this journey, my experience was from Guatemala where the most honest adoptions were not "relinquishment" cases but the impossible to process "abandonment" cases, so I was happy to look for an orphanage and agency that was involved with what I considered the more honest adoption process, although our agency does both. And guess what? The most ethical path to adoption in Guatemala is the opposite in Ethiopia. Relinquishment cases often have a more clear path in Ethiopia, and abandonment may very well be more likely to involve graft. When I figured that out last year, agency signed, sealed and delivered, I practically stopped reading the blogs, which I finally did when the dust settled on this scandal the first time.

Needless to say, I miss Rusty from E's adoption. I felt like I knew what was happening.

Back to wisdom. I marching orders from last week:

I am to send to the universe, love for our daughter, and support so she can feel loved in the orphanage. I am also to send the intention to "do no harm" to anyone and to ask forgiveness for any harm done. None is intended, and my deepest wishes are that none is being done by this adoption.

She was very, very small and still is. She is moving well, and it does appear from what little we can glean from her history, she needs a family.

I hope she comes home. I hope she comes home soon.

Everything seems to be up in the air at this point....

Yep. that about says it all.

Home: Where will we live? Which city do we like? How much should we spend? how much is enough? Where will the children be happy? Is the town ethnically diverse enough? is having a relaxed summer experience important? Should we stay in the city?

Work: Who is the accordion player in my band going to be? Will I be able to work when I have two children? Will I ever update the mailing list? How much should I try to outsource?

Family: What will our daughter be like? Are we too old to be parents? Why has it taken so very long? Why? Will she feel loved and like she has found home?

Everything IS up in the air at this point.