The boys are sleeping and I cant sleep....there are things all over the house, and insanity in the air. The to do list is longer than I thought:
Buy dog food,
Get $20 bills all after the year 2000.
A long skirt.
Hat.
Shoe:E needs second pair of shoes, as he just out grew everything.....
Vaccinations
Find the list and find out what I forgot.
Embassy registration
It is like a treasure hunt. Special money, special treats, special med's, And the list goes on and on and on....
(We are going to Africa. Just to visit and see her.)
Today, some big bids came back on the house we are in contract on and our agent got the brunt of my mommy anger...sorry to say....that, and the lame dude flirting on his break with another Costco employee on his break at the prescription counter. I finally said to him, could you try a little harder here? We are buying a house today and going to Africa on Monday...I'd like to fill all the prescriptions and I don't have a lot of time to waste. The malaria meds sealed the deal, I think, he stepped up, although I still have to go back. i just couldn't wait.
(Africa. Dubai then Africa. buddy passes. Takes two and a half days to get there.)
I had just picked Eli up from school, talked to three friends about school choices, less than relaxing to say the least (for those of you not from the California Bay Area or NYC.....this is the week SF tells you if you got into school. YOU? No your child, but you are basically powerless, or have to make some impossible choice. Is my 5 year old going to be a self starter? Does he need freedom or structure? Should he be fluent in Spanish, but never see a microscope? Public schools are on a lottery. You spend weeks in the fall visiting schools, pick out your favorites and you sign up. Zachary didn't get into any of his choices. The other route is private and most people get wait-listed. An icky week we experienced last year. We feel lucky, Eli is at Nueva school, which although lacking language immersion, is a fantastic school, with amazing hands on science and a good fit for Eli. Categorizing & sorting Lichen and Mushrooms in Pre-K. Eli is happy, we are happy, but it is hard to see my friends going though it and strange to be so stressed out the same week.
the house. How to even think of it. I spent 2 or 3 hours writing up all the bids and hopefully it will save us some money or hassles. Doubt it. Just made poor Eli feel ignored.
Printed a list of things to do and I hadnt even got down a third of the page. AKK.
(Ethiopia, her land. I cant wait to see her. STOP Dont get to bring her home. STOP But it will be the first time our family is together. STOP Part of her story. part of Eli's.)
Send it down the line.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Checking boxes
So many things going on....
We have been frantically house hunting, trying to find a house to move to. We just barely sold our house at the end of last year to a friend and we were excited and sad to sell. It is a dreamy house in the Mission in San Francisco, but just on the other side of gentrification....the kind of place your mother doesn't really like to visit. And now that we are parents and expecting another, it didn't feel like the best place to raise our kids.
So, this week, we checked a box.
We signed on a house, down on the peninsula, in the 'burbs, south of the city. Moving out of San Francisco after 21 years is a bit intense for me. I love the city, but 21 years of no summer gets a bit wearing. I remember, one year we went to Oregon for Dave's wedding...it was warm, it was summer. That was about 20 years ago. But weather aside, I always imagined raising my child and now, hopefully children, in the city. Such a different life than I had, but still a wonderful rich experience.
We rented 25 minutes south of SF for the summer, a house with a pool. It was so sweet and so much fun to swim everyday, and my dear husband, Mitchel, wanted to stay. Eli loves his school, it is amazing. I hope it is a good fit until he goes to high school. The people we have meet through Nueva already are feeling like a community, people we will raise our kids with. I hope this is true.
Next box, the adoption.
Today, we got our court date!
It is set for a week from Thursday, March 25 in Ethiopia. This is the date our (hopefully) daughter-to-be's paper work goes to court. It is there that it is decided (if her paperwork is in order and our paperwork is in order) if she legally can becomes a member of our family. Then we wait for our embassy date and we GO GET HER.
For our agency, Embassy appointments are the 2nd and 4th Monday of every month. There is now a minimum of 8 weeks between passing court and the Embassy appointment. So, if we pass court on March 25, that puts us in late May early June.
Election day in Ethiopia is May 23, the week we might expect our Embassy appointment. i doubt we will travel then, so probably June. If we are lucky.
holding my breath. Of course, I have gigs for the second Monday in June. Great.
but we HAVE A COURT DATE.
excited. She is coming home. oh boy.....
We have been frantically house hunting, trying to find a house to move to. We just barely sold our house at the end of last year to a friend and we were excited and sad to sell. It is a dreamy house in the Mission in San Francisco, but just on the other side of gentrification....the kind of place your mother doesn't really like to visit. And now that we are parents and expecting another, it didn't feel like the best place to raise our kids.
So, this week, we checked a box.
We signed on a house, down on the peninsula, in the 'burbs, south of the city. Moving out of San Francisco after 21 years is a bit intense for me. I love the city, but 21 years of no summer gets a bit wearing. I remember, one year we went to Oregon for Dave's wedding...it was warm, it was summer. That was about 20 years ago. But weather aside, I always imagined raising my child and now, hopefully children, in the city. Such a different life than I had, but still a wonderful rich experience.
We rented 25 minutes south of SF for the summer, a house with a pool. It was so sweet and so much fun to swim everyday, and my dear husband, Mitchel, wanted to stay. Eli loves his school, it is amazing. I hope it is a good fit until he goes to high school. The people we have meet through Nueva already are feeling like a community, people we will raise our kids with. I hope this is true.
Next box, the adoption.
Today, we got our court date!
It is set for a week from Thursday, March 25 in Ethiopia. This is the date our (hopefully) daughter-to-be's paper work goes to court. It is there that it is decided (if her paperwork is in order and our paperwork is in order) if she legally can becomes a member of our family. Then we wait for our embassy date and we GO GET HER.
For our agency, Embassy appointments are the 2nd and 4th Monday of every month. There is now a minimum of 8 weeks between passing court and the Embassy appointment. So, if we pass court on March 25, that puts us in late May early June.
Election day in Ethiopia is May 23, the week we might expect our Embassy appointment. i doubt we will travel then, so probably June. If we are lucky.
holding my breath. Of course, I have gigs for the second Monday in June. Great.
but we HAVE A COURT DATE.
excited. She is coming home. oh boy.....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Oh...Oh...Oh..
We have a referral.
She is lovely and perfect. She is absolutely beautiful and I want her home right now.
Yesterday.
The second medical report came and she gained 1.5 pounds in a month, a bit less than she should have, but pretty good. I had a visceral response that said she needed me right NOW and why weren't they feeding her; I did not believe this is based in any kind of logic, just an insane mothering instinct kicking in. Turns out, it might be based in some fact. A internet PAP (perspective adoptive parent), told me that in the orphanage, she gets just enough, no excess.
All I know, she is tiny and much, much younger than we had expected, but she is who she is and we cant wait.
I want to go right now and stay for the three to five months. Stay and not come back until she can come home with us. I dont think that will work.
The CBS news report broke today and I announced on my yahoo groups today. My sense of timing is impeccable.
I went and spoke with the wise woman Lyn this past week trying to figure out what has me so wound up, other than the million things on our plate....lets see, buying a house, adopting internationally, from a country that has a late breaking scandal. The good news on that front, our agency is now certified and approved, one of 7 or 8 who are, and the Embassy reacted to scandal last year, closed all adoptions, and then reopened with new guidelines. I believe we have to go forward with the belief that she needs a home and we are here.
This path has been tricky. When we began this journey, my experience was from Guatemala where the most honest adoptions were not "relinquishment" cases but the impossible to process "abandonment" cases, so I was happy to look for an orphanage and agency that was involved with what I considered the more honest adoption process, although our agency does both. And guess what? The most ethical path to adoption in Guatemala is the opposite in Ethiopia. Relinquishment cases often have a more clear path in Ethiopia, and abandonment may very well be more likely to involve graft. When I figured that out last year, agency signed, sealed and delivered, I practically stopped reading the blogs, which I finally did when the dust settled on this scandal the first time.
Needless to say, I miss Rusty from E's adoption. I felt like I knew what was happening.
Back to wisdom. I marching orders from last week:
I am to send to the universe, love for our daughter, and support so she can feel loved in the orphanage. I am also to send the intention to "do no harm" to anyone and to ask forgiveness for any harm done. None is intended, and my deepest wishes are that none is being done by this adoption.
She was very, very small and still is. She is moving well, and it does appear from what little we can glean from her history, she needs a family.
I hope she comes home. I hope she comes home soon.
She is lovely and perfect. She is absolutely beautiful and I want her home right now.
Yesterday.
The second medical report came and she gained 1.5 pounds in a month, a bit less than she should have, but pretty good. I had a visceral response that said she needed me right NOW and why weren't they feeding her; I did not believe this is based in any kind of logic, just an insane mothering instinct kicking in. Turns out, it might be based in some fact. A internet PAP (perspective adoptive parent), told me that in the orphanage, she gets just enough, no excess.
All I know, she is tiny and much, much younger than we had expected, but she is who she is and we cant wait.
I want to go right now and stay for the three to five months. Stay and not come back until she can come home with us. I dont think that will work.
The CBS news report broke today and I announced on my yahoo groups today. My sense of timing is impeccable.
I went and spoke with the wise woman Lyn this past week trying to figure out what has me so wound up, other than the million things on our plate....lets see, buying a house, adopting internationally, from a country that has a late breaking scandal. The good news on that front, our agency is now certified and approved, one of 7 or 8 who are, and the Embassy reacted to scandal last year, closed all adoptions, and then reopened with new guidelines. I believe we have to go forward with the belief that she needs a home and we are here.
This path has been tricky. When we began this journey, my experience was from Guatemala where the most honest adoptions were not "relinquishment" cases but the impossible to process "abandonment" cases, so I was happy to look for an orphanage and agency that was involved with what I considered the more honest adoption process, although our agency does both. And guess what? The most ethical path to adoption in Guatemala is the opposite in Ethiopia. Relinquishment cases often have a more clear path in Ethiopia, and abandonment may very well be more likely to involve graft. When I figured that out last year, agency signed, sealed and delivered, I practically stopped reading the blogs, which I finally did when the dust settled on this scandal the first time.
Needless to say, I miss Rusty from E's adoption. I felt like I knew what was happening.
Back to wisdom. I marching orders from last week:
I am to send to the universe, love for our daughter, and support so she can feel loved in the orphanage. I am also to send the intention to "do no harm" to anyone and to ask forgiveness for any harm done. None is intended, and my deepest wishes are that none is being done by this adoption.
She was very, very small and still is. She is moving well, and it does appear from what little we can glean from her history, she needs a family.
I hope she comes home. I hope she comes home soon.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Everything seems to be up in the air at this point....
Yep. that about says it all.
Home: Where will we live? Which city do we like? How much should we spend? how much is enough? Where will the children be happy? Is the town ethnically diverse enough? is having a relaxed summer experience important? Should we stay in the city?
Work: Who is the accordion player in my band going to be? Will I be able to work when I have two children? Will I ever update the mailing list? How much should I try to outsource?
Family: What will our daughter be like? Are we too old to be parents? Why has it taken so very long? Why? Will she feel loved and like she has found home?
Everything IS up in the air at this point.
Home: Where will we live? Which city do we like? How much should we spend? how much is enough? Where will the children be happy? Is the town ethnically diverse enough? is having a relaxed summer experience important? Should we stay in the city?
Work: Who is the accordion player in my band going to be? Will I be able to work when I have two children? Will I ever update the mailing list? How much should I try to outsource?
Family: What will our daughter be like? Are we too old to be parents? Why has it taken so very long? Why? Will she feel loved and like she has found home?
Everything IS up in the air at this point.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Still waiting....Still waiting..
Still waiting...
Yep, the beginning of a new period of waiting. Waiting for the specific child that will be matched with us. Why her, why us? I remember wondering about that before Eli came home. And now, he has just begun to wonder the same.
I like to say it was meant to be....but the randomness of it is what is scary to him, to us. How do so many stories work out? I think it has to do with opening your heart and letting the love in. Connecting with your baby, your child, whomever they are and accepting them. It starts there and grows and grows. That is what we dream about now, with whomever, wherever our daughter is, now....
I think that this aspect of opening to a person who is a stranger when you first meet is scary for so many people, especially for those who come from traditional families. Family is something that looks like you, sounds like you, comes from you. This is the basic things we learn, before we can talk.
With adoption, it starts with the heart and has to continue with the heart. You cant take connecting with your child for granted, you must slow down and do so, and it isnt always easy. Attachment style is something that you get, left over from your family and from their family - the people that have raised you and those before you. Both the leftovers and the best they could do.
Yes, my grandmother was a motherless daughter; my mother is an excellent mom, but when Eli hit 3 or 4, I found myself, unconsciously "running" away, walking in the other room, to clean, to do an errand, to be alone, I guess - but it wasn't planned. It was a compulsion, that felt like it came from outside of me. I had to stop, and sit and just be with him, and with myself to let it go. It didn't take an enormous change, but I had to figure out what was going on to try and change it. It took about 3 months to at least make a dent in it.
I once read, in ADOPTIVE FAMILIES Magazine, that some adoptive families reported that many people, family and friends, often "discourage" a second adoption. As much as they love your first child by adoption, they have forgotten how they opened their hearts, they have forgotten their fear of the stranger, of the new. You just have to be brave, just a little brave.
Once we have a picture, then the waiting will be come excruciating. Oh well, we have waited two years, so far, lets just put it in the bank. I guess she doesn't like to be rushed, she likes to make an entrance.
Yep, the beginning of a new period of waiting. Waiting for the specific child that will be matched with us. Why her, why us? I remember wondering about that before Eli came home. And now, he has just begun to wonder the same.
I like to say it was meant to be....but the randomness of it is what is scary to him, to us. How do so many stories work out? I think it has to do with opening your heart and letting the love in. Connecting with your baby, your child, whomever they are and accepting them. It starts there and grows and grows. That is what we dream about now, with whomever, wherever our daughter is, now....
I think that this aspect of opening to a person who is a stranger when you first meet is scary for so many people, especially for those who come from traditional families. Family is something that looks like you, sounds like you, comes from you. This is the basic things we learn, before we can talk.
With adoption, it starts with the heart and has to continue with the heart. You cant take connecting with your child for granted, you must slow down and do so, and it isnt always easy. Attachment style is something that you get, left over from your family and from their family - the people that have raised you and those before you. Both the leftovers and the best they could do.
Yes, my grandmother was a motherless daughter; my mother is an excellent mom, but when Eli hit 3 or 4, I found myself, unconsciously "running" away, walking in the other room, to clean, to do an errand, to be alone, I guess - but it wasn't planned. It was a compulsion, that felt like it came from outside of me. I had to stop, and sit and just be with him, and with myself to let it go. It didn't take an enormous change, but I had to figure out what was going on to try and change it. It took about 3 months to at least make a dent in it.
I once read, in ADOPTIVE FAMILIES Magazine, that some adoptive families reported that many people, family and friends, often "discourage" a second adoption. As much as they love your first child by adoption, they have forgotten how they opened their hearts, they have forgotten their fear of the stranger, of the new. You just have to be brave, just a little brave.
Once we have a picture, then the waiting will be come excruciating. Oh well, we have waited two years, so far, lets just put it in the bank. I guess she doesn't like to be rushed, she likes to make an entrance.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The path to Ethiopia....
Some thoughts on our journey.
I don’t know what is going on. But this is some of how we got here.
2 years ago we started a journey. In fact, almost two years ago to the day. I have an email to our homestudy agency asking about programs and referring to a phone call... on Jan 21, 2008.
Eli, (Guatemala) is 5 1/4 now and has been waiting patiently for two years for his baby sister. Since he was 3 and a half! Eli is wonderful. He is such a happy kid. He is in Pre-K and his school rocks. They are studying mushrooms and lichen at school; we are making a spore print right now. He just had his first guitar lesson – after picking his own instrument. I am so proud of how hard he is working at it. It is a joy to hang out with him. I said to him this week, “you know, I am a weird mom,” and he said, eyes big, and in love, “No, you’re not, you’re perfect just the way you are.” Oh, the love of a 5 year old. Such a beautiful thing.
So, two years ago, we decided to try and adopt another child, and had the countries that we qualified to be AP's in narrowed to Thailand and Kyrgyzstan, a new program. We chose the Kyrgyz Republic. Eli had a teacher’s aid from there, we had her over and were so very excited. We bought books, we read them, we were ready. Waiting, paper in country. It felt perfect.
Then, last year, while waiting for a referral, I noticed that the adoptions in Kyrgyzstan were stalled.
I told Mitch, I think we need to change countries. We were so disappointed, especially Eli. When we told him, he cried, and then got angry with me. I didn’t realize, as we had had several months to process the change, to grieve, and to start to move on; we told him after the grownups had worked through the change. It was hard work, I felt so sad about saying goodbye to Kyrgyz. We had felt an energy from there, wanting to come home to us; and then later, we also felt it’s absence, but we knew it was the right thing.
Our agency didn’t really believe the country was closed, and we instigated the change, which was stressful. The homestudy update took forever and I began to lose my patience. Some people on the internet said their agencies just transferred their dossiers; we had to create a whole new one, and it felt as if it took longer than the original homestudy. Our homestudy agency said that Thailand was now closed to us. This was disappointing as it turns out that Thailand has one of the most honest adoption programs in the world. Hind sight is always crystal clear.
So, we choose a new country, Ethiopia. I had been drawn to it from the beginning and my DH jumped on board. Our family is an adoptive, interracial family and we felt keeping it on an international path felt right. That is a different, and very long story, but one simple reason is that we wanted our children to have a similar experience, being from a land far away. I had been drawn to adoption in Ethiopia and was again, and ultimately, we decided.
The approval came in and our paperwork was finalized the first week of July. We moved houses July 2nd, and after the dust settled from the 4th of July, I went and had the last of the documents notarized and apostiled, and copied them (way more complicated once they have special notary and state stamps....what a pain, add to that, I had bring the printer from the old house to the new house and set it up, what a crazy mess) and mailed them off to the “in-country” agency. They had them stamped in DC and sent to Ethiopia. Our paperwork was registered August 21.
I looked at the web site, and we are pretty close to next in line. There are a few names around our time-line, so I am sure it will work out; no one registered is before us. We were originally told 3 months to referral, then 5, and now it looks like six. I hope we have a referral by March. Still, the timelines are very short compared to all the other agencies I looked at; hopefully it will happen someday.
Today, I have been thinking about our multitude of reasons for having trouble waiting for a referral; waiting for a baby. It hasn’t always worked for us, sometime spectacularly so. First, losing Zeno. Then, luck, we had Eli come home, and so very young, like magic; we couldnt believe he would ever come home, and then he did. Then Kyrgyz, and the journey stopped there and the tragedy of families caught in the shuffle. Now, a new country, waiting, maybe, maybe, maybe.....
One thing I lost in the middle of this journey, the Kyrgyz group. Such an amazing group of individuals. Lots of smart, level heads, with good ideas to contribute, a real community. I have not had as much luck yet with finding anything similar in the Ethiopia world, but I hope I do someday.
Another thing? belief that a child will come home.
I feel as if International Adoption & transracial adoption are undergoing huge changes. Sometimes it feels as if they are under attack. At the same time, I do believe in supporting families, in helping children stay with families, when possible. I also think that children should be with forever families at a young age, if they can, and I believe in honest adoptions. How these statements go together is a very complicated tapestry at this point, but I dont believe they are incompatible.
I feel that for most people, matching their family is one of the most basic premises, coded in from infancy. To support a family bonded in difference with love is hard for some people to understand.
It is no longer hard for me to understand. It is home.
I don’t know what is going on. But this is some of how we got here.
2 years ago we started a journey. In fact, almost two years ago to the day. I have an email to our homestudy agency asking about programs and referring to a phone call... on Jan 21, 2008.
Eli, (Guatemala) is 5 1/4 now and has been waiting patiently for two years for his baby sister. Since he was 3 and a half! Eli is wonderful. He is such a happy kid. He is in Pre-K and his school rocks. They are studying mushrooms and lichen at school; we are making a spore print right now. He just had his first guitar lesson – after picking his own instrument. I am so proud of how hard he is working at it. It is a joy to hang out with him. I said to him this week, “you know, I am a weird mom,” and he said, eyes big, and in love, “No, you’re not, you’re perfect just the way you are.” Oh, the love of a 5 year old. Such a beautiful thing.
So, two years ago, we decided to try and adopt another child, and had the countries that we qualified to be AP's in narrowed to Thailand and Kyrgyzstan, a new program. We chose the Kyrgyz Republic. Eli had a teacher’s aid from there, we had her over and were so very excited. We bought books, we read them, we were ready. Waiting, paper in country. It felt perfect.
Then, last year, while waiting for a referral, I noticed that the adoptions in Kyrgyzstan were stalled.
I told Mitch, I think we need to change countries. We were so disappointed, especially Eli. When we told him, he cried, and then got angry with me. I didn’t realize, as we had had several months to process the change, to grieve, and to start to move on; we told him after the grownups had worked through the change. It was hard work, I felt so sad about saying goodbye to Kyrgyz. We had felt an energy from there, wanting to come home to us; and then later, we also felt it’s absence, but we knew it was the right thing.
Our agency didn’t really believe the country was closed, and we instigated the change, which was stressful. The homestudy update took forever and I began to lose my patience. Some people on the internet said their agencies just transferred their dossiers; we had to create a whole new one, and it felt as if it took longer than the original homestudy. Our homestudy agency said that Thailand was now closed to us. This was disappointing as it turns out that Thailand has one of the most honest adoption programs in the world. Hind sight is always crystal clear.
So, we choose a new country, Ethiopia. I had been drawn to it from the beginning and my DH jumped on board. Our family is an adoptive, interracial family and we felt keeping it on an international path felt right. That is a different, and very long story, but one simple reason is that we wanted our children to have a similar experience, being from a land far away. I had been drawn to adoption in Ethiopia and was again, and ultimately, we decided.
The approval came in and our paperwork was finalized the first week of July. We moved houses July 2nd, and after the dust settled from the 4th of July, I went and had the last of the documents notarized and apostiled, and copied them (way more complicated once they have special notary and state stamps....what a pain, add to that, I had bring the printer from the old house to the new house and set it up, what a crazy mess) and mailed them off to the “in-country” agency. They had them stamped in DC and sent to Ethiopia. Our paperwork was registered August 21.
I looked at the web site, and we are pretty close to next in line. There are a few names around our time-line, so I am sure it will work out; no one registered is before us. We were originally told 3 months to referral, then 5, and now it looks like six. I hope we have a referral by March. Still, the timelines are very short compared to all the other agencies I looked at; hopefully it will happen someday.
Today, I have been thinking about our multitude of reasons for having trouble waiting for a referral; waiting for a baby. It hasn’t always worked for us, sometime spectacularly so. First, losing Zeno. Then, luck, we had Eli come home, and so very young, like magic; we couldnt believe he would ever come home, and then he did. Then Kyrgyz, and the journey stopped there and the tragedy of families caught in the shuffle. Now, a new country, waiting, maybe, maybe, maybe.....
One thing I lost in the middle of this journey, the Kyrgyz group. Such an amazing group of individuals. Lots of smart, level heads, with good ideas to contribute, a real community. I have not had as much luck yet with finding anything similar in the Ethiopia world, but I hope I do someday.
Another thing? belief that a child will come home.
I feel as if International Adoption & transracial adoption are undergoing huge changes. Sometimes it feels as if they are under attack. At the same time, I do believe in supporting families, in helping children stay with families, when possible. I also think that children should be with forever families at a young age, if they can, and I believe in honest adoptions. How these statements go together is a very complicated tapestry at this point, but I dont believe they are incompatible.
I feel that for most people, matching their family is one of the most basic premises, coded in from infancy. To support a family bonded in difference with love is hard for some people to understand.
It is no longer hard for me to understand. It is home.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Again with the Rain
Okay, so a year has passed, and I havent written in this blog. Time is now to start.
Today we did not receive a referral. We have been waiting 5 months since our paperwork was registered and this week I got really excited because our adoption rep was visiting Ethiopia and said he was going to get referrals.
He did. Just not ours.
For those in the peanut gallery that care, we are an adoptive family, awaiting a infant or toddler girl from Ethiopia. I think the age range is 9-18 months, but until we have a picture and a hopefully correct birth date, we know nothing.
My response to the wait:
Read the groups. Stop reading the groups. stop entirely. Stop posting.
here I am.
Today we did not receive a referral. We have been waiting 5 months since our paperwork was registered and this week I got really excited because our adoption rep was visiting Ethiopia and said he was going to get referrals.
He did. Just not ours.
For those in the peanut gallery that care, we are an adoptive family, awaiting a infant or toddler girl from Ethiopia. I think the age range is 9-18 months, but until we have a picture and a hopefully correct birth date, we know nothing.
My response to the wait:
Read the groups. Stop reading the groups. stop entirely. Stop posting.
here I am.
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