the road forward

Two years around, more or less

2011-11-11T23:04:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is Miss B's 2nd birthday party.

She has worked all week on putting out two fingers. Now, she can do it in a flash.

She likes to remind everyone that it is an OWL Birthday.

She has a gluten free cake that her dad put two owls and a big B under some branches, as the vegan, gluten free mad hippie bakers who baked, do not decorate. (Maybe gluten free for people who dont actually have a wheat allergy, means that one might be apt to loose their sense of adventure, dont ask me.)

Time flies. Suddenly, she is two. She is off wheat and on raw milk. She will proudly show you where she no longer has a rash. No rash, she says. No wheat, she says....it has cut the cranky screaming by 80 %, a huge change around here. She happily, most times, only wants to eat the non wheat things. I hope she outgrows it, but if not, thank goodness we found it early.

B has requested a car recently. A real car. Daddy get, did she say? When asked what she will do with said car, she replied, I go....She does like to go. She says, BB go, and she does, to BB school - Little Wonders, to music class with teacher Jill, to the park, to The Ladies who do cranial..to her first OT appointment, to the dog park to see the dogs and the dog friends, to take E to school. BB go, she says.

I am much less stressed about her actual birthday this year. We will be at the Atlantis, again, as we will for most of her birthday days, one imagines, but since we dont know the exact day, I am enjoying the month, knowing that by the 20, she will definitely be two times around the seasons. I like to think she was born on Nov 9 or Nov 17, but I imagine we will never know. Many people in Ethiopia have no idea of their birthday, so that at least, is similar to many of the people

Obviously, as I havent posted in a million years, our life is full of toddler and our big man, who is 7, the boyish things. I work a little, but mostly I try to remember to enjoy the moments that are the stuff of their childhood. I try to kodak my brain with good, beautiful things that happen each day and not let the little things drive me slowly mad. I would love to go to the movies, sleep in, go away for a week, by myself or with my husband, read a book all day, but right now, right here, there is no time for that. There is breakfast, owls, cats, baths, ninjas, jumping, laundry, walking the dog, lego, small and big toys littering the floor, books, books and more books....

Little Gorilla has been a huge favorite for a few months. On Mothers Lap, Mog, the forgetful cat, is now popular...so many that she loves.

Coming are some of her friends from Little Wonders, Will, Ionne, maybe Piper, from Nueva, Stella, or Stellina, a little girl also adopted from Ethiopia, Rowan, Cha, Caleb & Ryan, for Eli, really. I am sure I have forgotten some little one, Gramme and Auntie Caroline....& all her godparents, official and unofficial. Almost everyone we invited 6 days ago is coming. I thought if I made it last minute it would be smaller, but she is very popular in certain circles.... :)

E is 7 and B is 2, she holds up 2 fingers, he holds up one hand plus two fingers. Next year, she will hold up 3 and he will hold up one hand and three....it will last until they are ten. so sweet.

oh boy

2011-03-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

Oh boy -

We start editing the 4th tango album next week. I can no longer tie my shoes...solution? Yes, I am a mom, I have one. Just buy shoes that you slip on; but that does not create that much extra time. I couldn't tie my shoes before I started working, and now, I still cant, but at least I have solved one daily problem. No shoe laces. Everything is easier.

I dont know how I will be ready.

Miss thing is a sweetie. She still hangs by her fingertips, climbs on chairs, swings by her fingertips from the back of her brother's chair, but she is a sweetie. She hasnt had a big crying jag for a while. She doesnt like mitch much yet, but she likes him more each day. She is really enjoying her two classes and getting to know the people there. She sure is social. She loves Little Wonders baby school and MyGym and her friend Stella who goes there. I cant keep all the names straight, but I just put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking.

She doesnt sleep as much as E, so the work is much harder to squeeze into the space and then I have a second to worry about. He is big, but he does need attention. AKK!

Being a mom and trying to work as a musician is a strange combo. I only work part time but she freaks out if I am out late at a gig. I have been gigging less, but that might actually make it harder. Oh well. One day at a time, right?

Now, to stop procrastinating. At least the washer and drying are supposed to be fixed. I WILL never buy a major appliance at Lowes again.

that's all for now

Take a deep breath, and then another

2011-03-22T20:54:00.001-07:00

I am a bit annoyed this week and the past few weeks.

I am weighed down by the fact that so many only report the negative in International Adoption - unwittingly, perhaps, supporting the basic anti-adoption undercurrents of so many cultures, so many peoples. Unwittingly supporting racism, fear of different races in their life.

I believe that many people of many cultures can open their heart - look at the woman in the world over that have raised children not "their own," although to me that is no surprise. It is how society has worked for years, but, when things are tough, when there is too much need, or society gets too cut off, some people cant open their hearts. Some people can never do it.

We try not to use the word hate in our family, not lightly, as I believe hate is something that happens when people start to distrust people that look different, act different, or are perceived to be different from them. Some people start to hate so young, I just want to save the word for something real, not something daily, like not liking the cereal you are eating.

I think that family, familiarity if you will, looking the same, from the first years of your life, your initial patterning, is such an intense part of so many people. Being related is such a basis of so many cultures, that to break out of that is an amazing thing. To open your heart to the unknown, be brave and love.

All this dislike of IA, by adoptive families, no less, makes me NUTS. I do believe we must fight for honest, open adoptions, but I feel like the need to take a chill pill on the attack mode, the constant negativity. I am reminded of the great skit in the Modern Family TV sitcom, where the fab gay couple goes around saying ADOPTION in a cheerful voice for because Oprah had negatively portrayed adoption that day; frankly, in my opinion, they could stand to take a page out of that book as they stray too far into the negativity that I try, try, try to avoid in my life.

SO in response to the negativity that makes me cringe (I am from a long, long line of farmers, i can dish out the negative thinking to rival many a person), below are some cool links about adoption that you might not have.

The last few weeks have been really intense for IA, in Ethiopia, this time. There was an amazing letter in response to the events posted by Dr. Arnoson about IA.

http://betheanswerforchildren.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/dr-aronson-letter.pdf

It really hit home. I know that children continue to arrive at the orphanages in Kyrgyz and now, they are invisible to the world. Almost no one thinks of them. No child should live in an orphanage. Every child should have the right to a home.

Another voice in this negative maelstrom of press, the woman who wrote the incredible book on Ethiopia, There Is No Me Without You, wrote a great article about two families that found their way to their families, they dug in deep, unlike the famous disrupted Russian adoption.

http://melissafaygreene.com/

It had some wonderful information in it and I found a lovely one page resource to HELP attachment, not just talking about the negative aspects. Simple games to do. Check it out:

http://www.theraplay.org/articles/94_sp_Activities.htm

And last but not least, the Joint council on Children. I feel like they at least they really appear to be on the side of the children, advocating for them. Check them out:

http://www.jointcouncil.org/

Is this working?

2011-02-27T20:58:00.001-08:00

I hit return and posted a completely empty blog post. Being a mom completely sucks sometimes.

Okay, the pay is bad, the hours worse and other than the pure obsession your children can have with you, as a parent, you tend to only notice what you are doing wrong, not what you are doing right. And if you find doing laundry and dishes fulfilling, I should shoot you now. All in all, a crazy job.

I also try to work. I play music. I am a professional musician, or I used to be. Yes, I attempt to rehearse, play, book and perform in a music group, Tango Number 9. It also doesnt pay that much, (still more than being a mom does, but, that is a very futile road to even go down!) My web page is behind the times, my last three and more importantly, my next three shows are not even on the gigs page, I have two contracts I need to nail down, and a mini-tour to book and an album to edit and finishing producing. Just writing it all down makes me start to panic. I cant even begin to imagine editing the album. When am I going to fit that in?

What happened? My dear busy, hang from any space she can find, fall down 15 times a day, almost no nap girl came home. Now, dont get me wrong, she ROCKS. I am crazy about her, even is she can spend a whole day screaming, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA (she is quite obsessed with me, please refer back to the job description in paragraph two) which has a definite down side. Everyone in the house starts to loose their minds, MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA.

And she is much better than she was. She gets a little strung out if too much happens in one day. She gets bored and climbs on the kitchen table or hangs from the sink in the bathroom, or her brother's Stoke Chair in the kitchen, if not enough happens, so it is a fine line. Too much stimulus, baby screams mom all day, not enough, baby falls down and flips out. Getting the balance right is almost impossible.

I am having trouble with my rotater cuff and shoulder, and, she is growing like a weed (from the less than 10 % in height, less than 5% in head circumference when she came home to the 60% in Height and head! She grew 2 inches from her year appointment to her 15 month appointment. The nurse measured her twice, as it was surprising. YEAH!

Speaking of which, this Friday, she has her shots as she was sick as can be at her last appointment. The doc wanted to give her the shots anyway, but I still had the darn virus and it was an ICKY, nasty cold. I still sound hoarse.

And look...I have moved completely away from WORK again. I am a musician for goodness sakes, it's my passion, and I cant even get my head around it. The screaming of one day makes me think I should hide under the bed and go to sleep.

I did outsource something. My dear son, home since he was 10 weeks old, the keeper, the first boy to stay, other than the original puppy boy, who has recently been torn from us, but I digress....MDS, loves science. Okay, something about myself as a mom, I just cant get around the mess of science and art, so I have learned to outsource as much as possible. I am trying to loosen up with number 2, but.....it is an uphill battle. My excuse? I really only ever did Sunday school art, at least that is all I remember.

His godparents are helping with his schools science fair and we got together today to talk about he rockets we could build and the rocket we are going to build. They are so incredibly cool to help him. He was thrilled, although, it was hard to tell as he was also busy completely playing wiht his two friends that came over. We shot off some soda pop geysers, picked a simpler rocket than originally planned and agreed to meet next week.

Music, Music they cried, and everyone grew famous.......

who said that anyway?

I do have to write more on the whole work vrs mom thing, but who knows when I will have time.

that's all for now

I do not accept this type of justice

2011-02-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

okay. this is a sucky week.

It is raining.

We are not moving to some cool country.

We all have a nasty cold, but the baby appears to be slightly impervious to getting tired, anyway. She did throw up her phlegm all over me and then scream for an hour. Poor girl. She is getting it last. I hope she doesnt get the fever her brother and I have had for the last week. The coolest thing about it was hanging out with him as one of miss thing's slaves entertained her whilst I was sick as could be.

At least my sister has been here to help. Thank goodness.

We are not going skiing for ski week. We are not going to Hawaii either. Mark Harry Potterland and legoland off the list also.

Rumsey is gone. He fell off a cliff and died. I am bereft. He was our first boy, the boy that stayed with us. He loved me without reservation, without any boundaries. He couldnt help himself. His life began and soon after, we were engulfed by tragedy. As a tender puppy, he had the job of trying to keep Mitchel and I in one piece after Zeno died so unexpectedly. And what a job he did of it. He worked so hard. If we argued, he took it personally. He was so much more than a dog to us, we are so very much diminished. and to loose him, as healthy as he was, to have his life book-ended by another tragedy, is so very very hard.

Sudden, accidental death is so very hard to wrap your head around. Really, it is an act of god, the kind of thing that people who have the energy to mop their floor every night before they sleep are trying desperately to avoid, but really, there is no avoiding it. Either the hand touches you or it doesnt; there is no controlling accidents. Not really. we live in this life, thinking we have control over things, but so many of the big ones are out of our hands. When we are born, we we die, if you are going to get hit by that bus, be lucky in love, keeping our loved ones safe, so many are actually not really in our hands. That doesnt mean we dont try to control our lives, but usually, that control is only illusion.

The greatest paradox is that everyday people die and it doesnt effect you. Then, when it does, you are so lost. I know he was our puppy boy, but he was so very good to us. He was so patient and he loved more than he should. That was said about him, he loves you more than he should.

Really, i do not accept this type of justice, but what choice do I have?

My life is not the same without him.

Here is wishing him the highest possible evolution such a special spirit like his can have. I so wish he had not left us so soon.

and the rain falls and falls.

It's the most wonderful craziness of the year

2010-12-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Okay. I wrote a big post, about something I was thinking about, and poof, it's gone. Late night publishing gone awry.

I wonder how it's done? Miss B is walking and talking and she is so young. This morning I asked her if she wanted that yogurt tube (frozen stonyfield yogurt pop, less sugar than most) and she said that and pointed. Wow. That.

What else does she say?

daddy
Mama
Brother
E - for Eli
Baby
Doggie
Rums
Birdie
plane
That
I did it
what dat?
Who dat?
Bead
Button
Diaper

AND she points and babbles, like no one's business. It is really hard to understand most of what she says, but she is saying it and she will not stop. And she is walking.

This last week she scared the pants off us. She stood around on one foot with her other knee held up in the air like she was marching. For about an hour. Any time she put weight on it she fell over. She was so happy as she stood around on one leg. A happy stander. I gave her a warm bath and a massage and she tried to climb out of the bath with the formerly bent leg. The teacher at baby school said that when infants have an injury, they block the pain and just stop using the limb. Great.

Not.

I am getting ready for a developmental pediatrician workup and an OT workup. She is a sensory seeker. Dont get me wrong, she is going GREAT. but, I cant get her muscles to release the last tension from her hyper tonic diagnosis and her movements are still a bit jerky.

And how old is she? Is she precocious or is she just the smallest 18 month old you have ever met?

We will never know, but it is so hard not knowing. She is right on target to ahead for her assigned birthday and right on target up to 18 months, so I think we are in the pocket, but she is so verbal. I guess reading all those books really does work.

Her current favorites:

Baby Goes Beep (O'Connell)
Clap Hands
Tickle, tickle
Say goodnight
All Fall Down (all by Helen Oxenbury)
Goodnight Moon (Brown)
Mice Squeak, I Speak (Shapiro/dePaulo)
Global babies
Baby Faces (DK PUBLISHING)
and all baby picture books)

And she has just added some more:

Jazz Baby
Baby High, Baby Low (Blackstone)
I Like It When ( Mary Murphy)
Pajama Time (Boynton)
Thump, Thump, Rat-a-Tat-Tat (Gene Baer)
Color Zoo (Lois Elhert)

And, finally, pictures of her first year on this planet.

Ethiopia

In Daddy's hands; the first day we met

Baby's first cranial

Our first family photo

Chilling with dad on the veranda

Always travel with a sky ball

Superman's Pants in Ethiopia

Where are superman's pants?

Aint they crazy?

SUMMER CIRCUS

B & the Council of 3

Driving with Miss B

AGENT B

AGENT R

AGENT 006

WITH THE COUSINS

THE FIRSTS:

Tea Party at Home

I have no fear.

Tripping at the Zoo

& at the beach

She's a SAND EATER,
Dont you mess around with her

Sand Monsters, USA

Soccer Boy

First day of Kindergarten

FIRST HALLOWEEN

Expelliarmus!

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

First Haircut

First Hanukkah

THE BAHAMAS

They put the trees up early this year!

Loving the shades!

OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER

Christmas Eve Boys

Brother & Sister, Forever

The Godmonsters

Christmas Morning

The First Day of the Year

That's all, folks....

One year on the planet

2010-11-14T20:04:00.001-08:00

I started to write this several weeks ago, and I could never find the time to get anything written.

I wonder why?

Also, there were almost no pictures of my dear little girl on the computer. Lost the camera at Aunt Jodi's house, so I don't know when there will be new ones. Wish me luck, cause we all know photos inspire where words fail.

Lulu-B is on the move. She almost walks, just a few steps. Sometimes, she just has to stand up. Say we are sitting on the floor reading a book, she stands up and listens to the story. She and I walked around the house today. Finally, i did a circuit with her 3 times, trying to tire her out for her daddy in the evening.

Lulu-B, it turns out, is a great traveler.

For the week of her official birthday, and Eli's adoption anniversary, we did our annual trek to the Bahamas. 8 years and counting? We skipped the year we went to Guatemala and brought Eli home. I have grown to love it, from the first time we traveled, missing Zeno, to now, when we have our two wonderful children. Eli is a blur in the distance as he gets his time in with his cousins, and grandparents, mamah and Pa, and his aunt and uncle. I am the annoying person who suggests that he brush his teeth or put down his cousin's I-touch. It is a far cry from him being so dependent, now that he is the old man of 6.

Miss B. She really bonded with us, her crazy family this trip. She LOVED having her daddy around 24/7. She woke up every morning and discusses his presence or absence, depending on if Mitch was at the gym or not. By the end of vacation, she was loving it, him and all her relatives. She practically didnt walk a step by herself in the Bahama's, but we we hit NY for the short Thanksgiving stop, she started taking steps - right by Mamah's glass table. All was well. She is a great traveler. Woke up with a smile and rarely was upset. A superstar. I feel so lucky.

One thing we know is that she has been around the planet another year, as of 11/19. I am having a really hard time reconciling not knowing her birthday. It is such a marker in the US. Everyone, including myself, gets a bit gushy around the milestones, and speaking of markers, Lulu is hitting everyone. The pediatrician and I discussed her progress this past week, after we returned from our trip, and she said she is walking like a 13 month old, and interacting like a 15-18 month old.

We laughed about it as I explained my predicament and we agreed there was not a solution. All we can do is to watch dear little Miss B as her life unfolds around her, but the thing that gets to me is not knowing. Is she hitting her milestones early or is she just on target and 18 months old? Is she incredibly precocious, or is she just catching up. She was so small, i like to think her birthday was very close to the day she was found, but we most likely will never know.

Time will tell who she becomes, but she is on fire right now.

She points. She talks, all the time, and most of it is impossible to understand, unless you do deep baby interpretations. She explains things to anyone that will listen. She listens when you explain things. She moves, shakes, drums, dances, laughs. She LOVES her brother. She says daddy ( and she waved a few days later), mama, baby, brother, doggie, airplane, ball, what that ( and points), cat and kitty, and says many many things we dont understand. today, her fathers swears she said open it when Eli shut the door on her. Wow. Open it. Did it. Sometimes is sounds like I did it, which it cant possibly be, as she would be saying I, but she said that phrase, whatever it is, all the time last month when she stood up.

Sentences. Wow. She has been home 6 months and counting. wow. She is on fire. I hope whatever path it is, her commitment to the world, her smile, her determination stays with her always.

Our walking, talking wonder. Usually wakes with a smile, rarely stops moving or talking. What a wild ride. She is still a bit tonic, and has some new found anxiety around sleeping or napping, but she has a voracious interest in the world around her.

She is curious about where the water goes when it goes down the drain. She is interested in what is under the door when the door shuts, she likes buttons, she loves when you notice an airplane she has been discussing. Today, when her new puzzle had a piece fit in a slot, she said, Ummm! with a big smile. She greets each day with a smile. I need to remember that!

Here's to knowing she has been travling around the sun for a year. One year on the planet.

Here is to many more wonderful years filled with joy. I do hope she keeps her incredible smile and happy personality, as well as her very determined drive.

Here's to the B.

Kindergarten Boy

2010-09-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

I have a boy who is in Kindergarten.

Hard to believe, but it is true. It feels like just days ago that we traveled to bring him home and we were met at the airport by all our friends. We went home and had a big party, (he passed right out) with food brought in from Mom is Cooking, a departed Mexican Restaurant in SF. We couldn't believe he was going to stay, but that is how adoption works, the wild creation of a forever family.

Our hearts still are so big for him. Our dog was overwhelmed, and at times, so was I. The first child is so surprising, the intensity, the love. the lack of sleep! How long the first year takes and yet how quickly the time goes by. The crazy feeling when you have to take clothes out of rotation, because, suddenly they don't fit. How they grow, literally, over night.

Now, he is a big brother. And such a mensh about it, most days. He loves his sister and now that I am not telling him no all day long, he is doing really well with it. Walking the dog is still hard in the afternoon for him, but...

The theme at school is detectives and he is eating it up. He loves the things he is interested in with such passion. I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Miss B just busted out of her diapers and into the next size, again. She is on the move, crawling, standing, walking with your fingers on her hands, talking. This morning, I really think I heard her say brother for Eli and mama for me, but lets hear the repetition....but it really, really sounded like that. She talks a TON, mostly just sentence sounds. The big news is that her head circumference went from the 5% to the 75%! WHOO-HOOO. Big news.

And now, how to figure out how to go back to work part time, keep the marriage on track and get some sleep, but it is the first few months. A deep breath, please.

maybe another.....

No performance tonight

2010-09-03T23:33:00.001-07:00

Ok, there was never a performance tonight, but tomorrow was a party for our family.

We canceled it due to stomach flu. Which now two children have, or E, who is 6 tomorrow, and Dash who is visiting from the northwest and 13. D has always been one of my favorites, so i am so very sorry the two of them got sick. Exploratorium - a petri dish of love two days before the labor day weekend.

Now, the birthday boy has bounced a bit like toast. The big boy is still very sick. The baby is sleeping as I write this and woke up with a big smile on her face at 6 am or so. So dont love 6 am.

Everyday, throughout the day, I will often think of things I want to post about, then the time comes, the baby and the boy are asleep, the dog is walked, the DH is either working, watching TV or sleeping, and I get my computer out and look at stuff in my inbox, wondering what I have forgotten to finish, and my mind goes blank. Tired mom brain.

Miss B is really moving and growing. The most exciting news is at her 9 month check up, her head circumference is in the 75 %! YEAH! The doctor was really excited and thus, so am I. Her height is up to 25% and her weight is not to be published....no I actually have forgotten if the doc said 60 or 90%. She did say we probably dont know her true % as of yet, they are still balancing out. YEAH!

She crawls, she stands, she babbles and perhaps talks, hard to say. She babbles in response to things, usually babble sentences, sometimes actual sentences, but the men debate it. Andrea just repeats what she says. E said, what, do you speak baby? Andrea and I often understand her. DH thinks we are nuts. She is very happy and very, very busy.

More pictures soon.

Two more survivors went down in the "try to beat the stomach virus" weekend....last night, the dear baby from Portland tossed his cookies all over the kitchen. He was in a backpack, so also in the line of fire was his mother, Sheri and the kitchen floor. It was spectacular. I joined the ranks about two hours later. Now, they have fled for home (okay their tickets were set, but I do hope they return, someday!) and started in on thinking about what might come next.

What was supposed to happen so didn't, it is funny. Huge weekend, lots of plans, none of which happened, but instead, we hung out, watch the kids play, said goodbye to friends, so suddenly, and wait for September to begin it's thing.

Here's to a great year.

Life and how to live it

2010-08-11T00:45:00.000-07:00

OK, was the woman at the store yesterday being rude because of race or not?

This question hasn't come up often for me, as my children rock, and we are just leaving the cute baby age where no one says ANYTHING, except, isn't the baby beautiful, AND I couldn't be whiter if I tried. So, why would I think of race first? In fact, on a plane to Oklahoma with baby man, 5 plus years ago, some sweet passenger said, he looks just like you. I screamed in my head, JUST LIKE ME IF I WERE GUATEMALAN, right!

But, almost 6 is going through a phase of contrariness and surprise hyperactivity (we call it spazzy) perhaps as an attempt to get attention after the arrival of his dear baby sister, maybe due to too much apple juice. So, here we were at the check out counter of the store he didnt want to go to and he was helping put groceries on the conveyor belt and he started tossing the food up there, a bit wildly and the check out clerk came down on him like a load of bricks. Was it because he was brown? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Of course, I start mentally checking us out. How do we appear? We were all in our dog clothes from walking the dog and I looked at him and he had some extra smile from some miscellaneous food or beverage and is badly in need of a haircut, even perhaps a meeting with a hair-brush, and there I am in my Target Tie Dye, the baby carrier, with Miss Thing, who is BLACK and my dog clothes, so not our white table cloth best, but....if he were white, he would just have that summertime unkempt look, so Martha's Vinyard, CA style...we were just walking the dog, right?

I have read as a family of color you need to watch what you wear more. I do believe it is true.

She back pedaled, and as he was being spazzy, I didn't intervene. (Was that a MISTAKE?) We talked about it in the car and I said it had made me really mad that she told him to behave, as he was my child, but I also said he needed to think about behaving in public some. (After the conveyor belt incident, he went to tease the baby, probably in an attempt to be cure, and bit her foot...the baby cried. PERFECT timing, my kind, generous, excellent son.) I, at the time, decided that the natural consequence of the first situation was that he have to listen to her opinions on the matter, but I worry that I may need to protect him more. The natural consequence of the small nibble was to decamp and get OUT of the store.

Until I did the double take about what we looked like, I didnt even THINK of RACE. Why? Because I am white, why would race be important? But, there was something in the quickness of her snap. OK, maybe she is a snappy person at the end of her shift, but, he is just 5....and gorgeous (not that I am biased or anything), and my kid. So what if he is a bit sloppy after a dog walk, right?

Why is it always at the grocery store? Wall-Mart, Safeway, filling in your brand here....

The bummer is that there is no way to tell, was it because of race or not, but to be brown in this world (with a black sister) and have people treat you decently is not always easy. We are beginning to learn that together, but ultimately, it will be his job.

I don't want him unprepared. I don't know if I can prepare him.

She crawls, she is on the move

2010-08-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, old news now, but miss B crawls. She is an expert.

On the 21st of July she moved two inches forward in the morning and 2 inches in the afternoon, and was delighted and a bit freaked out. She had been going backwards for a while, but on Sunday July 25, two months after she came home, she started crawling. She is amazing. She has immediately started sitting on her heals and trying to think about being upright. WOW. Balance is a trip for her, so today alone she fell three times and cried. Oh well. That is what the cranial work is for, right?

The Cranial Massage is going great. Her head is way more symmetrical, and she has relaxed a ton. Her muscles are much less tense, I'd say a bit more than 50% of the way there and her nervous system much more integrated. She is very, very active, but she finally likes the Ergo carrier. I have used the Bjorn, but it it an old style and hurts my back.

Young Master E is sick. He got a high fever last Tuesday night and had to miss fishy camp for the rest of the week. An icky virus that wasnt strep, which is a bacterial infection. Didnt eat anything for a week. Struggled to get him to swallow some liquids, but luckily he stayed hydrated enough. A diet of ginger ale, TV and I-Pad makes a fever boy okay, I guess. He always runs a high fever, so with Advil it goes down to 101, and without it hits 103 and above pretty much right away. Sore throat, two doctor visits, and now, he STILL has a small fever. He is better, but it isnt quite done. Darn it. The doctor at the after hours clinic this weekend said if he still had a fever on Monday, he should get a test for mono. Bummer.

The plus is, MDH was home. He hung with E and I hung with missy almost all weekend. She and I slept in E's bed of all places. She is really calming down and starting to prefer me. We went to a Party for Carolyn visiting from France and B was really happy to see people and readily went to them with no obvious distress. Happy to see her auntie Beth and godfather Ed, laughed outright at Ted and loved up Kristen and was happy with Carolyn and Chris's friend Judy.

But....today, she was clingy and wouldn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. I guess I should keep her a bit closer, but she needs to move with the crawling thing. FLOOR TIME. I must get on the floor a bunch, hang out and be with her. I did today, and I also carried her when she got upset. She LOVES the new carrier and looks up, sees me, and cracks up. We went on a nice walk and she fell asleep. floor time, carry time, floor time, sleep.

A nice part about E being sick is she and I have hung out and connected, meeting just a bit more. E is an amazing brother and loves to play with her. It is hard to keep them apart. I hope we all stay healthy. Bummer is I sort of miss him, even though he is around. Just we are not as in sync.

Such an amazing experience, to have the two of them in our lives. We are so incredibly lucky they came home to us. I try to remember that when I am cranky, tired of doing the mounds of dishes, tired of playing BATMAN or BEN 10, and I dont want to clean up the cereal that I let her play with and now has hardened on the high chair. I didnt let E do that kind of thing and he hates getting messy. it almost killed me today to let her do it and I made her take a shower afterward. She loved it.

We did two activities from the OUT OF SYNC CHILD HAS FUN, and incredible book my sister lent to me, which has great ideas for things to do with all kids. Wrapped E up like a mummy, twice and did some shaving cream craziness and E "shaved" with his father. He didnt want us to post the picture, so I wont, but boy he was cute. Tomorrow, he is going to become a burrito and a caterpillar that turns into a butterfly.

E missed Andrea. So do I.

We were going to grandma's tomorrow, but I have to wait and see what the doctor says and if he has a fever still. Bummer.

I am so glad no one else got the virus as it was icky.

Found some amazing sponsorship programs today. One for Guatemala and one for Ethiopia. Here is what I found:

http://coeef.org/

http://www.commonhope.org/index.htm

With the economic downturn many people are having to not sponsor their children. Help them stay in school.

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures....

2010-08-01T23:39:00.001-07:00

Finally, some pictures to post....here you are, shots of the summer:

B's first Tea Party

Chillin' by the Pool with Mom

Dance all night

Today in the sun

And for the record:

Big and Little, Breakfast

In the play-yard with Cousin

B & E

8 days a week

2010-07-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

Rumsey is snoring. In our new house, the floor must be cold, cause Rumsey has decided he needs to sleep in the family bed. Great. Between one large standard poodle, and almost 6 year old, my dear husband, there is so little room for me or the baby. I guess we could use another bed. Someday, E will sleep in his new bunk bed all night. And guilt about not bringing the baby in for the whole night is an entirely different post.

Today is Zeno day. The day Zeno was born. He died sometime before the 26 of July and was born on the morning of the 28. 41 weeks he was with us. Rumsey was a puppy. A happy puppy at the time; we knew his life was going to change, but not the way it did. He tried so hard to take care of us, such a big job for a young dog. He still tries, which wears him out. He is so very good to us. He isnt very friendly to lots of people, but he cares so much for us, he just doesnt have room.

It's funny to miss Zeno this year with Lulu home, our house just unpacked some more, and crammed into shape for MDH's family to arrive. I have to remember that people's hearts are large, they just crack open to let more love in if you let them; loving E and B doesnt mean we dont love Zeno, our boy who didnt come home. Sometimes it hurts, even 8 years later. At least it doesn't hurt every single day, all day long. How does one remember, every day is a gift?

this is what 8 years is like.

(Now, they are all snoring. Okay, Rumsey stopped, but MDH, E and B. Enough. Maybe I should go sleep in the new bunk bed.)

random thoughts & pictures from the past....

2010-07-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

It is late. I played a sweet little show in SF at a bookstore. They have gotten grants to underwrite their music series and it is wonderful to play for a darling audience while surrounded by books. I played between the jazz record section and the travel section. Feels like a nice place to be.

And then we had some friends over from Ethiopia and they brought wonderful Ethiopian food. the boys played in the pool, and we ate and enjoyed our new house. What a treat. B loved everyone. I was late, cause of the gig, but it worked out.

I cant find the cord to download pictures. Great. Having a baby makes it impossible to finish any task, or so it seems to me. But she is so worth it.

I am going to post some random pictures from our Ethiopia trip and a few of B, since I cant find the cord. I also went back and posted some pictures to go with my old posts, but I feel as if I have so little time, and back to that, I feel as if I can never finish a task.

This one is a picture of B and her friend, warming in the sun for their 20 minutes of morning sun a day. Important for babies with brown skin. I guess it is now recommended for all children. B got mad at one point when her friend didnt smile and notice her.

MDH got printer ink today. YEAH! I deposited half the checks last week. The garage is suddenly a mess. I want so badly to empty it out, but both DH and I cant imagine getting that done. E has circus camp this week and i hope it is a blast.

here are the pics

Boys, boys, boys

2010-06-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

There is something I have wanted to write about for several days; in fact, it is what made me start posting again, but I have avoided the topic as it swirls around in my head. I just cut my beginnings on the subject out of the last post and accidentally erased them.....

In April we took our older son to Ethiopia. We are now all home with our daughter and life is busy & chaotic, but good....but a few weeks ago, E, my son said, in the middle of cooking lunch or dinner, and out of nowhere,

"Mom, are all orphans boys?"

I was flabbergasted, said no, of course not, fumbled around, remembered reflective language, and then finally asked,

" What made you think that all orphans were boys?"

"Well, you know, in the orphanage..." he said.

I replied, "you mean at Toukoul?"

And I wandered around the topic some more, saying many people adopt girls, and no one really knows why, and yes, many, many of the children we met at Toukoul were boys, and we moved on.

But I have been a bit stuck on it.

My dear, sweet boy, one of the best big brother's on the planet and a boy with such a big heart, did notice a lot in Ethiopia. He hasn't really wanted to talk about any of it. The teacher had said maybe you can figure out what they don't have, but the list was too large. They didn't have nice clothes, shoes, a room of their own, action figures, families....not one thing to call their own. Where would they put it? In their pocket? We brought super balls, but 27 super balls does not work for 230 children. What are you supposed to do but give them to the office and hope the kids get to play with them someday?

And from our end, how does one decide you have enough children? How does one become content with what you have? I love my two children, they are gifts; I love my work ( which is on semi-hold, just for a bit), I love our life. This can be enough. But I want three. I want to bring a boy home. I find myself daydreaming about it. Maybe our paperwork in Kyrygzstan will suddenly be usefull. Right. Maybe we can go back and bring a boy home from Toukoul. Just one, one who wont be staying.

I cant change every child's life. I cant fix poverty. I cant provide health care, jobs, housing even for those I love right near us. I can open my heart and love my children, and give thanks for how incredibly lucky we are to have them in our lives. So very, very lucky.

I dont think anyone should adopt to "save" someone, ever. I am not "collecting." I do think every child deserves a home. I think many homes should be within a child's culture, but not at the expense of all. The right to have something, no matter how simple, to call theirs.

And, I was really struck by the sad boy who, sometimes, was begining to help at the gate. He was not dressed in white for Easter and was 7 years old. He was no longer going to get adopted and he knew it. He was sad. He was kind to Eli, but so very jealous. His name was so very impossible to remember. He was so kind, he was so sad. How can a boy that young be so sad?

And yet, I was struck, for the older kids, by what they would miss if they left beautiful Ethiopia at this point. They have a very large group of peers, and are a part of it, a culture to be proud of, that is proud of itself, a knowledge of their place, however different from some imagined norm. To leave a country where the majority is black, a place rich with history, to no longer be an expert in so many things, from the most common game, jump rope to the simple act of speaking.....Ethiopia is a wondrous place, in my not so humble opinion, and there is a loss in leaving.

Late night ramblings of a tired, adoptive mom. Now, I must sleep.

Mom? Are all orphans boys?

The smell of Ethiopia

2010-06-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

Today, we went to the US Ethiopian Football match in San Jose. (http://www.esfna.net/)

Yes, they meet every year, in a different city and play football (soccer) and have a festival. Yes, we were the only white people there, but we had B and E, and that makes us white on the outside and brown and black in our hearts. Yes, we couldn't figure out where we were supposed to stop, park or go inside, but once that was worked out, it was fun.

As we were finally parked and walking in the heat towards the side entrance that was the actual entrance, we passed by the food vendors. The smells of Ethiopia, Ingera, Berberé and stewed meats, cooking and filling the air, several trucks passed by the busy Alma street between 10th and 7th, and the smell of diesel fuel completed the perfume, and it was just like Addis. B, the dear girl, stopped fussing the moment she smelled the food and started smiling and talking away. (She has some lovely sounds, very advanced for a baby, we often hear ones that sound like Eli. Last night, Mitch and I swore she said Daddy.....)

But her immediate interest. That made it perfect right away. She was so happy to smell Ethiopia. It makes me smile, wistfully.

It was hot, and there were so few people there on day two, early in the matches, in the heat of the day, that there were just a few people clustered in the shade, watching the games. We ambled over, me, with the B in the Bjorn, Eli, looking fine in his Ethiopian Alphabet yellow T-shirt, Andrea, and my dear sister Caroline. We plopped ourselves down and started watching the game. Everyone smiled at Lulu-B and luckily, because of the world cup and Caroline's tireless attentions as the world's best Aunt, and a bit of thanks to my nephews, suddenly, Caro knows some of the rules of soccer and she carefully explained the game to Eli as I tried to entertain the fussy, teething B. As usual, E and B were the youngest children there.

As B only really wanted people to stop everything and smile at her, I walked around with her a bit. People are very nice and kind to speak with us and are often very kind. They are very polite and talk to her, which she loves, loves, loves. It is a strange thing to be the mother to a child of another culture, another race and one becomes very aware of the occasional cross look, and wants to stay within certain norms, but she is my daughter and I want her to know her people. It is up to us, her parents to be uncomfortable, or get the occasional cross look, and yet still reach out and say hello to new people, to try to find bridges to her people. Ethiopians make it an easy adventure; I find that so many have such big hearts and are very compassionate and willing to spend some time speaking with us. And she smiles.

She had her picture taken by one of the organizers of the event.

Both of the teams E picked won, we got a little bit of Ethiopian food and wandered home and jumped in the pool. E wanted to stay and watch another match. He was having fun. And the food was really just started to get ready. It promised to be a nice evening.

B was so excited by it all that she skipped her afternoon nap and had it at 6 pm, woke up and had some prunes and rice cereal, played, had a bottle and passed out. She then sang for another 25 minutes. She really does make some interesting sounds!

We will return this Friday for Ethiopia day. I hope it is amazing and she likes and survives the crowds. I think it should be fun. I hope it becomes a tradition.

What a wild road

2010-06-27T19:45:00.001-07:00

Parenting is such a wild road.

First. This road is SO much easier the second time. She is more high energy, easily bored, but it is so much easier not constantly second guessing myself. If she is hungry, I feed her, if she is tired, I put her to bed or wait 20 minutes with a short outside activity (she LOVES to watch trees) to push towards bedtime, and I put her to bed. If she cant get comfortable and go to sleep, i put her in her crib and she works it out, in about five minutes, with no crying. i just pat her back or talk to her a bit. The first time around, we worried about all the wrong things and dumb things. Should I feed them again? Are they hungry? Then, yes! Change the diaper, feed them, love them up, carry them around, put them down to play, lots of eye contact, play with them, and you are in fine shape, really.

The first time, the lack of personal preference, the lack of autonomy that is instantly gone with your first child, is so incredibly shocking. With adoption, you look forward to parenting in such a huge way, but, still, the ambivolence of giving up all real and imagined freedoms of adult life, going to a movie, whenever you feel like it, read a book, work, whatever, suddenly has to be stuffed into a few short minutes or hours when you really just want to catch up on your sleep. The second time, you at least know, this too will pass, at least a little. The first year is long, but it is gone in a flash. Suddenly they are almost six years old.

Then, I worry.

Her eye contact is not as good as Eli's at 7 months, but she has only been home a month and I had the horrible work weekend from hell last week. I am a musician and work part time, mostly not right now with Ms. Lulu home only a month from Ethiopia, but still and last weekend I had a rehearsal and gig for the entire saturday, then a gig Sunday evening and Monday evening. Fun, fun, fun. the first day was a disaster, her DF tried his best, but our son, Mr. E, finally said, Dad, you are doing the best you can. Day three, she finally went to sleep for him without screaming, but she really thought he was just a lovely walk on, a guest actor, important, but not her main squeeze.

That said, are we really connecting, as much as she needs? How is the attachment going? She is way more attached, but she still looks away alot. Is it just intrest in the world that is normal or should we try even harder? With an older child in the mix, it is more work to try and connect with her. With our first, he came home from Guatemala, and so young, 10 weeks, it still took him 6 weeks to give us real smiles and great eye contact.

So, more face to face, more time in the Bjorn. She really, really dislikes the Ergo carrier. it must be some subtle strap adjustment, because I borrowed someones int he parking lot and she loved it and it fit great. I come home, try ours out and she slips way too far down and screams, as it was stretching her legs to far. I bought it in town at a little store, so i think I will just take it in and ask. But, bummer.

I met someone, a new dad in Eli's school and he brought up attachment, a passion of mine. He said something like, I just try to remember, smile a lot, laugh a lot and lots and lots of eye contact. That's it. but then you need two hands to make the PB&J, two hands to load the washer, two hands to tie your big boy's shoe and suddenly floor time has been too much of the day's activities. Or even trying to have two kids in the pool and keep eye contact with the baby, at least some of hte time. it gets exhausting, working it in.

OK. Maybe exhausting is an exaggeration, but I am Tired, with a capital T, tonight. She woke up at 330, wanted me and I dont remember when she was up and down, but I was up as much as not. Ick. And then we had a lovely day and the band came over for a goodbye lunch and swim for Isabel. It is sad to have an era end, but it was a sweet day.I wish we had played a little music too, but .....we have done that before and we very well may again. And the baby was really sweet, connecting with Joshua and Isabel. So wonderful.

Time to get my big boy to sleep. he is afraid of having bad dreams, and cant get to sleep. Boy oh boy. Does it really go so fast?

Pictures as soon as my computer comes back in the mail. I cant do anything about it until it comes back. I cant wait to get some pictures up here.

Sweet dreams.

Summer is here

2010-06-16T22:39:00.001-07:00

Summer is here and in a big way. We played with Jeanne and Dexter this morning, then Wendy, Jasper and Dylan this afternoon. Fun in the sun by the pool; it was pretty delicious. Dylan is so fabulous, 3 and really a favorite of mine. The moment that he actually saw B and she actually saw him was incredible.

Also, it was fantastic to see Dexter and Eli fall right into hanging out and playing. It really was fun, as if no time had passed. And, Miss B loves jeanne. She slows down and says hello, eye to eye. Amazingly enough, Ms B remembered her. She does have quite a memory for faces. So wonderful to see her connecting with people.

I was going to post a huge bunch of pics today, but my computer is actually in the shop. Next week, I plan to post a bunch of old photos and try to catch up my pics with our journey.

Ms. B is doing really well. She is being loved up, by me, by Eli, by everyone, and eats like crazy. I tried to keep track of her oz of formula today and she is over 40. And she had some baby cereal and peas. And some water, just a few oz. She likes to eat. I wonder about her knowing when she is full. Maybe it will come with time, but I need to do some research. I cant find the right phrases tonight! I wonder who to ask.

I feel a bit lost with the sensory integration. Everyone suggests to keep on keeping on, but I feel as if there might be better advice somewhere. We are going in the pool, having a bath, having baby massage when we lotion, being on different surfaces, inside, outside, reading books, but her body needs integration to her environment and I feel there might be more ways to help her than I know.

And also, how does one decide when to switch to bigger size nipples on the bottles. She is on the slowest, which has helped her over active tongue relax, but if the only reason is convenience for the grown up, then should we stick with slow speed? I have no idea.

We started cranial work this week. She did really well. I like the new doctor, but it will be interesting to see how B tolerates it. It was fun to not have to put her on the table to be worked on; that made the whole process much, much easier for both of us. It has helped her breathing massively and I hope it makes everything come together for her so she is really comfortable in her body. She is very, very, very tight. She just tries to keep track of everything.

I am stressed about working this weekend. My first days back with gigs and I have 3 in a row with two rehearsals. 5 days, 2 rehearsals, 3 gigs. Bummer. i hope I can stay relaxed, connect with Lulu and be nice to Eli and mitchel. I hope it goes well.

then, very little on the books for a while. Baby, summer, Eli, sun. i hope it is really a perfect summer.

Toukoul and the Guest House

2010-06-10T17:18:00.001-07:00

Our dear daughter is from the north of Ethiopia, but she was adopted from an orphanage in Addis Ababa called Toukoul. She was in room 12 with a dozen or so other babies, and taken care of by nannies, or as they refer to them, "mothers" who rotate through on 12 hour shifts. She went outside in the morning sun for 20-30 minutes every sunny day, and had bottles with her nannies, and some play time on a big mat in the room. She was very used to the sounds of the orphanage, the sounds of many children and babies, but very few technological sounds, just the sounds of children and Amharic. She spent a lot of time, I imagine, in her very small crib, waiting for the next thing to happen.

Adoption Avenues and Dove both process adoptions from Toukoul. Toukoul is a group of orphanages started by a Frenchman, Mr. Ferez. From what I read, he began helping children find homes over 30 years ago, adopted children himself, and built up an orphanage group that has more than one building, and more than one age level represented.

The original Toukoul has a blue gate and several buildings with children from 0-7 or so. Then, there is an orphanage for the next age range and the next, and a work-study and family foster program for the children as they get to the teenage years. They are half finished with a new orphanage in the country outside of Addis, and some of the HIV children that have been housed at one of the Toukoul's have been moved there, as well as children that are waiting to be adopted and children that may very well move through the various stages of the group of orphanages that is Toukoul.

The Toukoul Guest House is directly associated with the orphanage and partially run by one of Mr. Ferez's children, Gabriel, a Frenchman adopted from Ethiopia. It is called YGF for Yves (mr. Frez), Gabriel and Ferez. It isnt a fancy place, but it is inviting and the staff is very supportive and wonderful.

When you stay at Toukoul Guest house, you are connecting your child to an adoption story that goes back 30 years. We met 4 adult adoptee's, two returning for the first time to visit the land of their birth. I feel so luck to have that connection for our daughter. The generation that has gone before, paving the way, and connected to her. What a gift. This is the true gift of staying here.

Also, the staff is very helpful. All speak a little English and they are all incredibly trustworthy. If you ask them, they will help you. The names are so wonderful and difficult to try and learn. From the fabulous people that work the front desk, Asayde, Mimi and Bebe, to the people that work everywhere, Alemtsayhay, to the people that work helping feed you, Andage, Hewit and several others, to the people that actually cook and plan the meals, head chef Wendil and his assistant Mumbi.

Many of the staff have children of their own at home. Asayde has a nephew and is great with kids, our daughter loved him and he grabbed her right up. His English is excellent and I was always happy to see him; he is really good at his job and has a kind heart. Alemtsayhay has a 3 year old at home with her mother and husband and he is usually asleep when she leaves for work and when she returns. The assistant chef has a new daughter, less than 5 months and he is so proud of her, as he should be.

Andague is a kind and beautiful man and I know that when we return his English will have soared leaps and bounds. He served us 3 meals a day and was ever so kind. He lives at the guest house, also there is a night guard, who's wife just had a baby and whichever person is working as the night clerk always stays.

We were lucky and had a fabulous driver, Ibrihim. Not only an excellent driver, who knows all the good routes if there is traffic, but a wonderful person. He was a tour driver all over Ethiopia and knows many tribes, places and things about his country. We felt so lucky to get to hang out with him for so many days. We both wish we could have traveled Ethiopia around with him, but we wanted to be with our daughter. we will return.

leaving on a jet plane, dont know when....

2010-06-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

We left Ethiopia with tears in our eyes, but this time, with Lulu-B not only in our hearts but actually with us.

Lufthansa was a great flight; Lulu slept just like a baby in her business class bassinet, everyone was sweet and kind and the food was delicious. I love the bassinet; what a brilliant idea. And a changing table in the bathroom for babies. Duh. what are the US airlines thinking? Babies dont fly? Dont have dirty diapers? i have no idea, but they aren't thinking of actual people traveling.

And Frankfurt was a dream the second time. The terminal we went into on the way home was calm, quiet and lovely. Lulu powered through her diapers into her onesies, just as someone said she would. I was so glad I had my 6 or 7 ziplock baggie outfits with diapers and schmata's to lay down on the different changing tables. Thanks to my mom and sister who packed them, with their help, it was fairly easy to keep her somewhat clean.

We made it to NY in one piece, and had a wonderful time at the NY relatives, but she did have a hard time adjusting a second time when we got home. She had adjustments in NY when we went into a different room for the first time. She really had not seen much of the world and everything was and continues to be a trip. The trip from NY to SF was a drag, but luckily, we did that on a differnt day and our jet lag wasnt so bad. i missed the bassinet and so did Lulu-B.

I havent posted for a while because I had a very long post about the Toukoul Guest House that didnt make it back from MDH's computer. The whole thing put me off writing. Add that to being home with the B, in a new house, not quite unpacked. And then our friends here in town got the word to go pick up her daughter (YEAH!), and I wished we had had the pictures downloaded so we could send them back to our new friends in Ethiopia. I miss them all. We were truly sad to leave our daughter's beautiful country, and that is so very true.

We had an initial doc appointment the week we got home. Ms. B has some delay the doctor said, but she also suggested that we wait three weeks and see how much she adjusts. Smart plan. The B also tagged along with me to see our fabulous acupuncturist a few days after that and almost all of our worries got cut in half. The Doc had said that she has some leftover infant instinctual responses, reflexes that were quite pronounced, mostly a morro shake, and said a bit of orphanage delay. Also, Ms. B is very tight in her muscles, or tonic. The pediatrician said most of the babies she had seen from Ethiopia have overly relaxed muscles, but the B had an opposite response, she is super tight, tonic. Switch to the acupuncturist and he declared her to have a liver-lung block, or to be tonic, and did a very gentle baby treatment on her. Her symptoms of breathing hard dropped in half and her muscles have begun to unwind a bit and the white at the corner of the eyes has gotten less pronounced. We have an appointment to see a cranial person because her snorting or "cold" has not fully abated. The cold symptoms are mostly gone, but she snorts and is phlegmy all the time. I hope that the "cold" dissipates with a little help from the cranial sacral experts. I can hardly wait until Tuesday.

She sings all the time, and loves the sound of her voice. She is getting to be a restless sleeper and is starting to really prefer me to all others, which is good. I wish she wasnt becoming a restless sleeper, but she is working really hard on crawling and is getting to be an expert roller. She rolls and wakes herself up, and then doesnt know what to do with herself! The crawling, she can only really move backward, but she cant stop moving, she is so excited about moving her muscles. She LOVES her brother and just fell in love with his dragon poster.

She likes most people that she meets, but she takes each meeting very seriously. I think fewer is better, so I am staying home more than i will in a few months. She just had a bit of a fit, but I think it is just the trying to crawl thing. She is obsessed. I got her, stuck at the bottom of her crib, half asleep, half happy, half cranky. Crazy girl trying to crawl.

When we got home, our friends showered us with love and food. For two weeks we had people drop by with dinner. They figured it out on a schedule. Such an amazing treat and such an easy landing.

New house, new baby, new life. It feels really, really good.

Ethiopia,

2010-05-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

May 20, 2010

I miss Eli. He opens doors, left and right. I miss him. This is too long of a trip. I wonder how he is really doing. I wonder if he has had a melt-down. I wonder if he will be okay when we get back or be worried and miss us. I am sure our family, Carol and Ed, Aunt Jodi, Uncle Bob and Justin and Ally are all taking great care of him, but this is too long away for me. I suddenly want to be back.

Lulu B is pretty great. Turns out that people in Addis think Belyanesh is “old fashioned,” a polite way of saying, what a name, the moral equivalent of Gertrude. That said, people in Bahir Dar might think it a beautiful name. It is her name, although now in the middle, so there you go. Assaye says it is beautiful, going against the general opinion of everyone else who works at the guest house! We are keeping it as it is hers, but will use it as a middle name.

Tomorrow we have our final adoption event, the second part of checking out of the orphanage, meeting with the doctor and reviewing her chart. Unfortunately, Lufthanza doesn't fly out of Addis on Thursdays. Why? Who knows? So we head back to the states on Friday.

About Toukoul Guest house. What an experience. The people that work here are lovely; they reach out and are very kind people. From the chef to the front desk and everywhere else, such nice people. They kiss the babies, swoop them up and bring them inside when us crazy Americans are hanging out in the, for Addis, cold air, but without lecturing, just doing.

One thing the new nurse let us know is that the babies go outside, in the sun for a half an hour in the morning every day (not in the rain!) in their diaper, to soak up the Vitimin D. It is important for the African babies to skip sunscreen, have direct sunlight; this helps them stay healthy. Fun to find out and fun to watch, a beautiful thing.

She played with her friend who is soon to hail from Indiana. Ms. A hails from the southern nations tribes, i think. She has gorgous eyes and a winning smile and attached to her new parents in record time. Her parents are university people and fun to hang out with. I hope Miss A comes to visit soon! She is a few months older than Miss B, but…in a year or two, no one will notice!

Such a fun group of children, getting their US Visa on May 17, 2010, they are the class of 2010. So cool to stay with everyone at Toukoul, have lunch, trade stories, wait to see if everyone passes. A few people got traveler’s sickness; luckily, it passed a lot of people over.

The group had a wide variety of people and places represented, a physician, one special ed teacher, two grade school teachers who have an organic farm, a university professor, an IT person, a musician, a programer.....and from all over the US, mostly midwest and then Az, Ca and Oregon.

On Toukoul. It feels really good to be part of a history that stretches back 30 years. To meet our new friend from France, Nicole, a lovely man from northern france, and his mother, returning to Ethiopia for the first time since his adoption at 5 was incredible. Since our french is non-existent, he was kind to try and express himself in English. By the end of the week, he was a champion. His mother was incredible and that when they arrived they had discovered his birth family was an incredible story. I feel so lucky to have met him and watched this journey from another view.

And the staff. The guest house isnt fancy. It doesnt have internet in the rooms or deluxe accommodations, but the staff and the history combined make the trip an amazing event. Not the adventure travel some aspire to or being in an american bubble like staying at the Sheraton or Hilton would provide, but a place in the middle, with support for you while you are adopting. And a chance to go on the journey with other families, another connection for your child and a touchstone to return to in the future.

I hope we return again and again.

Kevetching

2010-05-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

May 19, 2010

Lulu-B is having a hard time staying asleep this afternoon, miss overviligent. Maybe she thinks we are crazy, not really understanding how things are done. We have stuck close to home today, trying to get in the swing of things.

Yesterday, we tried to give her her first bath at the guesthouse; it was a disaster. Not enough water, too cold, couldn't find the plug for the tub, not ready with the clothes, the soap, the everything. THAT, she forgave us, but then we oiled her body with Jojoba oil and, as we had not been lotioning enough, her skin was dry. We can only presume that the oil bothered her, because, our dear Lulu got mad. Really mad. Foot stomping mad. Tears, about 45 minutes of mad, after which, she calmed down, maybe had a bottle and passed out, but I have forgotten the afterwards. Too bad, cause I could have used some strategy for big mad recovery! Put some Aquafore over the top, got her clothes on and she calmed down.

And no BUTT PASTE for my baby. It dried her out and gave her a rash. Maybe when we put the oil on the rash it reacted badly and hurt her. I don't know. She was all smiles again, before we knew it!

She really gets excited about simple things, seeing us in the morning, being outside, books, grabbing your hand. One does have to be careful not to overstimulate, as she starts to shake. TOO MUCH input, but each day she gets more relaxed, or so I hope.

I also reached for an outfit and it didn't fit. She has gained some weight and length! She is growing. She loves looking at people, the other babies, daddy, and leaves blowing in the breeze. She is pretty great. She reaches for Mitchel, is super aware of noises and sounds and very aware of the faces she sees more than once. She smiles for me, but often ignores me. I need to get her even more connected, but I am not too worried. Her behavior reminds me intensly of Eli. If we are too much, she turns her head away. I am often too much! Daddy always get a big smile and if he doesnt stop and say hello, she gets miffed.

We miss the Schmee, I hope we are home soon.

Baby come home!

2010-05-21T12:34:00.002-07:00

May 18, 2010 Night time

It is almost midnight, and the last few days have been so full.

Monday, we all woke very early to go to the orphanage and gather up our children. After you finish at the Embassy, we had lunch and then brought our children home.

WE PASSED at the Embassy! We are officially a family. Lulu will have a visa tomorrow Wednesday or Thursday. All the families passed. We celebrated in the lobby and then took the babies back to Toukoul, and went to the guest house for lunch. When we walked away from the vice council for the Ethiopian consulate, who was working the window for our Embassy date, I cried. I was/am so happy that Lulu-B is part of our family.

What a day, what a day it was.

2010-05-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

May 16, night time.

We just had a huge day. Met with the lawyer as a group, for several hours; met Mr. Ferez, the founder of Toukoul Orphanage (just shook his hand, but so interesting to be in his house, to meet the man that started the orphanage over 30 years ago), and went to the lake region, ate fabulous Ethiopian lunch at a place called Dreamland.

Drove with the lovely couple from Oklahoma and had a blast. They are cool. Their story is their own to tell, but we had a great time hanging out with them. All the families are really nice and we lingered over lunch, chatting and hanging out, as one will when filled with injera, drove to see the B, came home had dinner, and more talk.

What a day it was, what a day.

Once cool thing, Toukoul is crazy with history, and I love staying here, talking to the other families, meeting the children, and even meeting the adult adoptee’s returning to their birth-land. It is a huge connecting point for me to see people in person, at all places in the adoption process.

The B. She is luscious, delicious and so like Eli when we met him, a bit reserved, and yet, so herself, a vivacious, active, smiley baby. I don't know how Toukoul does it, but each child seems perfect for the family they are with.

Late night rambles…..

2010-05-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

May 15 going on 16

So, the browser says my blog post posted. Hum. I’d say 50/50. Ethiopia is wonderful, but the land of fast internet, as of yet, not so much.

The altitude does get me down. Spaces one out and makes one oddly tired, off and on. Water helps, maybe sleep would be the next step, but we are trying to stay asleep through the 3 am witching hour. Last visit, we were awake every night for 5 or 6 days at 3 am. Yesterday, our first night, we stayed up until 11 or so.

We miss the schmee. He does open doors, mostly to people, but also to a culture. Children are interesting litmus of a culture, and in Ethiopia, it is a beautiful test; they love children. This is the first time he is away from both of us and I can't think about it much, cause I miss him so.
In fact, I just woke up, cause I dreamt about him. Because of Facebook, we had reports of his day. He went to the park with his cousins and we call him in the morning…his morning. He had pancakes for breakfast and was having a chocolate cookie when we called. He was quite happy.
Tomorrow, I think we meet the lawyer, then maybe go to the country, then come home to see miss lulu, dinner and done. Mdh wants to skip the trip, I wish he would go, as every different part of Ethiopia I see makes me want to know more, to dive deeper into it. It is easy to stay in, and so enriching to go out, but he needs to find his way.

On the plane, we met a lovely young man returning for his brother’s wedding. He invited us to come. Please come, he said, and he meant it. The time of the wedding was our first time to see Miss B, so, we did not go, but I know we would have been welcomed with open arms. His father is a Vet, an animal doctor in Gondar and he and his brother have been at college in the US. He is trying for medical school, and his brother works in computers.
His open heartedness is something I have seen again and again in Ethiopia. Welcome, hello and openheartedness are a theme. Miss B is very, very smiley, and I hope we can make her more so; perhaps she comes by it from her lovely birth country.
She is young and very alert. She is very interested in the things around her. Eye contact is good, not great, but she did remember us. Big smile when she noticed us. We are a bit much, so then she looks away, but big smiles, when she saw us, all afternoon. I hope by Monday we are so in the groove.

Strange being here with our lovely PAP’s, when last time we were the only guests. Lots of families, one family from Oklahoma, another from Kansas, one from AZ, another from Indiana, one from Portland, and someone from St. Louis. I think that is everyone! Everyone is lovely, but all of us come across questions, concerns, and wonderings. It is so easy to let emotions ricochet off one another, and it is also really wonderful to meet others on a similar journey. The couple adopting siblings seemed to break through to their two children today, as I think everyone did. Two fathers are visiting, one with a mother in law, the other with a father in law, and they were both doing great. One is a first time dad, and he rocked it today, holding his son and being with him. Isn't that half the battle? Meeting them, where they are at, showing up and being present? Sounds easy, but isn't always. Two parents are single mothers, adopting and they both looked so happy. Extra fun to see the first time parents falling in love.

There was a disappointment today. Sometimes, you can have your child come stay with you at YGF, over the weekend, but it looks as if the rules are changing at the same time the 2 trips are coming into play. We will get to take custody on Monday, on the same day as our Embassy date. A French group left earlier tonight and a group from Dove left just before we arrived, with one family leaving around the same time as the French group. Between the volcano erupting, the election and the rain, it has been very quiet, now suddenly, everyone is arriving at once. Crazy!
We also met the father of the family we bought special formula for. He was great. He plays basketball in Europe, and they are adopting two boys. Andrea, Eli and I met his wife and the boys last visit. We brought some supplies and they want to take us out for dinner to say thank you. So nice. One of the boys has been in the hospital, but is out and is doing much better. They now have an Embassy date and hope to be on the way home at the end of the month. I hope we get to join up. Traveling and adopting make for a crazy schedule. Trying to fit things in is a bit of a wild ride!

Lulu-B is coming home. She has some more meat on her bones and has gained some weight. She is fabulous and very interested in the world. I want to get her home, get her to the doctor to check her out and start her new life, respecting this beautiful country she is from.

Battery is almost dead. Signing off…..Mandy, Meira, if you read this, please send the info I need to my dear husband’s email! Although, we will be in the US tomorrow.

Late night in Ethiopia….

Saturday, May 15, 2010

2010-05-15T11:43:00.002-07:00

Jupiter Café

Live from Ethiopia

So, we are sitting in the Jupiter café, trying to get Internet access. Right. Slow as molasses. Mdh just threw the computer down in frustration, as it is taking 10 minutes to load one email. I imagine I will post this, once again, when I return. Fingers crossed for tonight.

Today, we saw Belaynesh. Saw the B today. She is great. She is a bit tight, but her head moves to both sides and she loves to look at things. Such a perfect baby. She remembered us!!! She glances around the room, this way, that way, then her eyes light on us and her SMILE takes over her whole face. She laughed for M., her tiny, little laugh.

They had dressed her in one of the outfits my mom gave to me for her, the blue pants with white daises and a long sleeve shirt, a undershirt, and a jacket. She was definitely warm enough, but the room had 9 families in it! And more babies and children. We gave her part of a bottle, took her outside to see her favorite tree and get some air. At the end, she fell asleep right on me. She was tired after our 2 plus hour visit. Then, a little cough on her part woke her up and she was back in the game. She is a dear, dear girl.

Miss B is the youngest and looks it, as she should. She is doing great, but I can't wait to have her come home with us. We thought she might, then were convinced to wait until Sunday, then found out the person who can let her come home with us will not be there until Monday.

So, tomorrow, we meet with the lawyer, all 9 families, then we can go on an outing to the country, by a lake or stay home. Meeting the babies until the afternoon is not possible, so I think I will go. M wants to stay home, which is fine. I will go.

We went to the University museum, which is lovely, but my favorite part was walking around, seeing the campus, seeing the students, even seeing from the outside, a class in session. Universities around the world, students in the library, studying, students outside, walking, talking, it was a touch-point to see it.

Today, we met a man, from France, who was adopted when he was young, who came to visit his birth country for the first time. He was adopted from Toukoul, 25 years ago, and found out, this week, that he has a birth father and half siblings. Neither he nor his mother knew of his birth family, but now they both were, in his words, “so lucky,” and met them. What a week. What a story. And he was so gracious, to tell us such an emotional story in a second language; it was amazing how much of the story he could tell us with out every word he needed.

What an amazing story, and the history of Toukoul mixed right into it. A rich, long history, with adoptee’s returning to do homeland visits, what a rich tradition our child is a part of. I am glad we are staying a YGF, the Toukoul Guest House. So familiar to return to the same place and feel like it is a small bit of home away from home.

The group of families adopting from France left today. Their process is very different and their Embassy issues the visa without a meeting. They stay for 4 days, and pick their babies up on the way to the airport. Such a different process, but interesting to learn about.

Our driver is here to take us the short jaunt right back to the hotel, so let me try, try, try to upload this!

Leaving on a jet plane

2010-05-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

Lufthansa Flight, JFK to Germany

Almost everyone is asleep, on our night flight and my brain is racing. I was looking out the window, and I saw Orion, but we were beside him not below. I was wondering about Lulu-B and her birth family and how sad they must be to not have her. I know Eli’s birth family gave him so many gifts, his smile, his beautiful dark hair, his athletic, his open hearted patient good nature. I know he doesn't get his patience from me! I know we share so much, and I know he is in my heart, and hopefully I will be in his as much as I am now, and boy, my heart aches for his beautiful birth mother. I wonder what gifts Lulu’s first family gave her? Her strong personality? Her incredible drive? I hope we can make her feel safe and loved.

I am reading the Kabul Beauty School. It is a lovely book, a true story, about a woman from a small town who goes to Afghanistan and starts a beauty school, to teach women to cut and dye hair and often, end up supporting their families. It is amazing, reading the stories. And I think of the book, My Father's Daughter, another true story, by an adult Ethiopian/English Adoptee, and how her story of being found/meeting her birth family is so moving. The stars are overhead and they are the same in Ethiopia and Guatemala and even in the US. The moon shines down on all these countries, and together our family is connected to families, to people, we may never meet, a world away. Thank you for making our family so perfect.

Ethiopia is very far away, as I can tell you, flying there twice in a season. It takes a long time to get there, but Addis and the Ethiopian people have captured our hearts. I’ve been thinking a lot about how adoption is wonderful and sad; sad to take away the great parts of these cultures, the rich proud history of Ethiopians, the rich, ancient history of the Maya and Guatemala, and to give our children love, but in giving that love, taking away a cultural passport I can not give back to them. To be black in Africa, in Ethiopia, can a proud thing, a thing of fitting in your skin, to know the passwords, the looks, the way to be. To be black in a country where everyone is black, to be brown in a country where everyone is brown, to know the language, to know, just like E’s children’s book, how to be.

I know in my heart that Eli and Lulu are mine; I also know that by being part of our family, we have taken away a passport to part of who they are, and I know that will make them sad some days. I also know they are a gift, nothing more than everything we hoped for. I feel so very, very lucky, like the universe loves us, more than I can say.

I am nervous. What if she doesn't like our family? What if it is a bad fit for her? All I want for her is happiness, not heartbreak. We are on this adventure, leaving E with his grandparents, alone, for the first time. The original dessert. He isn't really alone, and I hope he doesn't see it that way. Although, I imagine he will, just a bit. He does get very worried about being alone. Terrified in fact. I hope he can be as brave as he was today. I didn't leave him little notes, I should have. I got worried if we were delayed that there wouldn't be enough. I should have left little notes, one for each day.

Our program director told us Ethiopians like her family call children the dessert; after the dinner party, at the end, who comes in for kisses and sweetness, but the children, all dressed in their pajamas, clean and ready for bed, just good enough to kiss and send to bed, the dessert.

I have no idea what I forgot. Hair oil. Did I bring enough formula, outfits for Lulu, bottle inserts? I know I didn't find the book on cars I wanted for Ibrihim, and I didn't find the perfect gifts for the nannies, I worry that I brought too much, I worry I brought not enough, crazy but true. I worry that Lulu will like us; I worry that something might go wrong.

My dear husband and I both worry. We really don't believe that babies come home. I know she is going to and I know, in my heart, as much as many say it isn't true, I know both our children picked us. I know that Ms L. D. Geneli is correct when she says that every adopted child she has done hypnotherapy with says that in the bardo, they picked their family, both their first family and their second, and that is what I believe. I believe my two beautiful children picked us.

MDH knows, I hope we adopt another. In a few years. I want to play violin some more, raise Miss Lulu-B a bit and adopt one or two more. I think I am crazy, but maybe we could do the two not one campaign mdh started with this adoption. I read with avid interest on the big Ethiopian site, the discussions of two not one. I disagree with the people who say it is greedy to do so, but I do think attaching with two at the same time, with different needs would be a big, big job. I thought about it when MDH was on the two not one campaign and I thought and thought. I decided that I couldn't possibly do it, and play music, still give our first boy love and meet a 3 year old and a baby. I couldn't figure out how I would do it and stay sane.

I wonder what visiting Ethiopia this time with a baby will be like, once again, taking the dessert to places that people don't usually take little ones. I did pack the baby carrier; I did pack the baby diaper backpack. I also packed 5 sky balls, crazy but true. I know there will not be enough for all the people that should have them.

I look forward to returning to Guatemala, to Ethiopia, with our children and to learn more and more about the two cultures. It is such a huge responsibility, trying to raise good children, to give them love. Sometimes, I feel anytime I do a stupid parent mistake, like the eyes of the world are on us, just for a moment. It is true for all parents, but a huge one for our multicultural family. In our family, we say, we are a little bit white, a little bit brown and now, a little bit black. I often say to young E, the original desert, I am brown in my heart, and it makes me sad not to be brown like you.

Off onto the next chapter of our lives, almost begun, not quite, waiting, worrying, wondering. I want the birth families of our children to know how much we would like to say thank you, thank you, thank you. Our family is so important to us, so very, very important. We will love your child, they are in our hearts and in our minds, always.

As will you. Thank you.

Here we come!

2010-05-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

Lulu-B, are you already like your mother, do you love to wear mismatched socks?

This was her third referral picture. She is getting a bit bigger. I think she tops out at 13 pounds now, probably fully dressed! Or at least in her diaper.

Okay, it has been go, go, go for days now. We are not only adopting our dear little girl from Ethiopia, which has been a long and emotional road, but we just moved houses. I had forgotten, but moving is something that brings on amnesia; obviously, you have to transport all of your things from one place to another, AND make it into a home. Add to that a special game of beat the clock, trying to get your house livable in 5 days... this is an exciting time, but I am really looking forward to a new normal, maybe something a bit more relaxed, not requiring opening or closing boxes.

A fun part of adopting and moving is that you need to update your home-study. Luckily, we moved in state, which is possible to do. To move out of state, I have heard, is almost impossible, and I can only imagine the paperwork if you need to move out of a country into another one. I know more about what happens to our paperwork than I ever wanted to and if you look back on the blog, the trail is there. We received an all clear from the main adoption agency; hopefully, our visa will be issued when we arrive and it will all go smoothly.

Our first boy home is very, very, very excited to stay at his grandparents. I said my mom was a little jealous and he said he wanted to split himself in to two, like Dr. Manhattan, and stay with Matmah and with Gramme. Such a sweetie. He was such a good traveler, I am nervous to leave him, but he is really, really excited. He just had a bath, toweled off in his new iron man towel and put his new iron man PJ's on. Time for a book with mom, and off to bed. he will be rotten by the time we get back from Ethiopia.

I am suddenly a bucket of nerves. What if? What if? What if? I packed an entire extra bag and the wrong things I am sure. Eli ended up with 2 jackets and two sweatshirts, why, I have no idea. I have 5 skyballs to give away, which are bulky, awkward and whatever. I hope I have enough diapers, formula, bottles, clothes for the baby. So many things to worry about. I have a packing list from one of the adoption sites, and I checked things off it. I didnt bring:

Nail scissors

Hair oil

In country snacks.

I do have, malaria medicine, books, some toys, and more stuff than I know what to do with. So excited to be going back to Ethiopia. We LOVED Addis, our last visit. We loved the people, we loved the city, we loved Ethiopia.

Nervous, nervous, nervous.

Lulu, here we come, here we come. Ready or not, here we come. I hope you like it in our family.

Embassy Appointment

2010-05-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

We have an EMBASSY APPOINTMENT.

Okay, sorry to shout it to the mountain tops, but we go get Lulu-B next week.

NEXT WEEK. WOW!

I woke up this morning and i couldn't imagine waiting any longer for Lulu to come home. I had a horrible dream that she was having trouble breathing and I woke up frantic. Tense, nervous and ready to call on any power to get her home. Luckily, all I had to do was call the agency gave me the news.

It couldn't be at a more awkward time, as we move this week, unpack some this weekend, wait for the washer dryer I bought today to be installed on Saturday, so we can wash our clothes when we get home, hire the garden person, so the grass doesn't die or go to seed, which is next on the agenda, get the baby stuff out of storage....It is the longest to do list I think I have ever had, not this long, maybe since finals week when I took 24 units. The list is multiple choice and many pronged. New House, Old House, Baby, Trip.... I am going to miss a gig, big bummer, as it takes a really long time to get to and from Ethiopia, so long that I am not going to make it back in time for my one gig this month; no time to recover from jet-lag or even get home. Oh, yeah the painters are still painting, and the colors are almost right. I had forgotten how many things have to be done to move into a house.

Called the water, gas, phone. Need to switch our bills, which I havent done yet. That can wait till we get home.

As we leave next week, mid-week. we come home a million years later. E is staying with his grandmother, for longer than we thought, as you have to wait to get your visa after you arrive, 3 days or so. Not that being in Addis is a bad idea, it sounds great, but......i hadn't really payed attention about the pick up trip before. We have to get there early and leave late. Also, all the flights are gone for the day after, so we have an extra day at the end. Oh well, whatever. We get her. At least we have our shots from last time, and I have the suitcases half packed. We stop on the way back with Lulu in NY for a day, then home.

We have an appointment. Wow.

Packing

2010-04-28T22:20:00.001-07:00

Okay, so tomorrow, dear Rumsey goes to Rick, king of dog sitters, so I can pack a box and a suitcase without him having a heart attack. My mother asked, do you think E is going to be okay with all the changes? I said, E? He will be fine, it is the dog I am worried about. Poodles aren't really dogs, but just wait till the new baby shows up. He is going to flip. But at least this isnt the first time. He will be sad. Yet another lovely being that will need a big piece of me. He is a fabulous dog, just very sensitivo.

Today, I asked E twice if he is excited about the new house. He said, I am excited about Baby Sister. Oh, what a dear, dear boy.

5 and 3/4 is an incredible age. He loves to play, with all his attention, pirates, chess, with the shark cards, jump on the trampoline or just read the Dragon books that suddenly have invaded since we started reading How to Train a Dragon. This led to some fake textbook on dragons and we are off, the new trend has been started. Last week, Batty became BAT BOY, Snowy got a mask and a cape, (his super hero identity escapes me) London Frog, SUPER FROG and they were the hit of the week. What is next? Playing in the moving boxes? Driving us to distraction while we move? Oh well. He helped a bit today. In between taking toys out to play with them, getting play-dough all over the counter, taking the chess set out and wanting to create a new game called catapult. He is so wonderful.

i will miss him in Ethiopia this time. He is excited about going to his grandmothers. But we dont know when. I wish we knew when.

Not knowing when we go.....there is an Embassy date on May 17 for our agency....... Lets hope that is the one for us. May 17. May 17. Lulu-B, Lulu-B. I hope we get an Embassy date on May 17.

Fingers crossed.

Almost there...

2010-04-27T21:57:00.001-07:00

We are almost there, and this really is the hardest part. For me at least.

Having met her, left her in Ethiopia, and now waiting for our Embassy date. Our updated home-study/I-171h approval has to crawl across the US of A, from the Bay Area CIS to the National Visa Center in New Hampshire so we can get our Embassy date. The date to go get her in Ethiopia.

(If you move, in state, while adopting, you have to update your home-study, which we have done, but boy, oh boy, I wish it had been at a different time, like three weeks after she came home.)

I just wanted to go check weather in New Hampshire. I want to call the Post Office and ask how long it will take and can the mailman make sure to make all his rounds, please? Mitchel says next week, Andrea, tomorrow. I hope for Thursday, but I am probably just crazy.

Lulu's room is going to be sunny, bright yellow. With the elephant quilt my dear Aunt Judy made for Zeno, our baby who didnt come home. I couldn't use it for Eli, but I am ready to use it now, and I think Lulu will love all the color in it. I do wish I had something as beautiful for Eli. Lulu also has the most beautiful owl quilt that Alice made her, in orange, with fabulous owls all over it. She loved it in Ethiopia. Considering all her stuff is in storage until next week, she does have some nice quilts! I cant wait to get her room set up. She has a beautiful new round crib and changing table, from a family right near ours. I think it is going to be a wonderful room.

E's room is going to be orange. He picked it, orange. And he wants a bunk bed, so Lulu can sleep in the room with him. Not yet, I don't think, but maybe before we know it.

I think the house will be lovely. A wonderful place for us to grow and change. I wish it wasn't making our date to get our daughter be in the ether, but hopefully it will all fall into place and really soon.

I am actually hoping for a minor miracle. The mail to go on time, the info to be updated, extra fast and a Embassy date that doesn't conflict with the election and my one gig this month, and we get a date this Spring. May she come home this spring.

Still waiting.....still waiting.....

Birds, Juggling and waiting.....

2010-04-26T21:08:00.001-07:00

Today was an okay day, not a great day, just a day.

We are waiting. Waiting to see if our expedited home study update, fresh from our new house, makes it from the local CIS office to the National Visa Center (in Texas? I think?) in time for the deadline for our hopeful Embassy Appointment. As of today, it is at CIS.

Okay, that might as well be Greek to most people, or Latin at least.

Said another way, our paperwork is done, legally updated, as we are moving and the government needs to know where we live right now, and the paper trail is trying to catch up with our daughter. Ethiopia has had a court date (we passed), in which the government of Ethiopia declared her part of our family, and her birth certificate has been issued and our final forms, the I-600, DS 230 and I-864, electronically filed with the US Embassy, so that the US Embassy can see our intentions are clear, we want this child to be ours....Our updated homestudy, giving our new address is in the channels, now, we wait, hoping everything makes this deadline. So, we wait.

And wait.

Tomorrow, I check and see if there is anyone I am supposed to call.

And then we wait some more. And check email.

No rehearsal this week. But, as we are moving, I need to pack. The house that is. I also may need to pack to go to Ethiopia, but I don't know yet, as we are waiting to have an appointment.

It sucks.

We picked some paint colors today. The painters started a week early because we decided not to tent the house. We have baby birds. Yes, small birds, with 3 multicolored eggs saved our house from tenting, thus leaving the road open to the termites. I am sure the termite company will be able to come spray in a more localized way the darn pests without killing the birds, in fact, they told me so today.

Maybe we are nesting. We unilaterally called off the tenting, so...I think it is true, in more way than one. We are nesting.

Turns out, after I called Wildcare, that California has bird protection laws. I really love that. Really. Let's keep the birds safe. And what would have told Eli, oh, yes, we killed the baby birds? I think that is not how we want to start our life in our new house. Okay, termites, go wild! Birds, have babies, LULU come home.

Can you move and adopt? Yes. Is it a pain in the neck? Sometimes, like when you are waiting for an Embassy date, the final call to bring home your child. But, at least we didn't move out of state. That would really be a pain. Our home-study agency is rocking this one. Hit it out of the ballpark and is trying to help us bring Lulu home.

On the colors for our new 1970's house, beautiful bright YELLOW for Lulu, E man picked ORANGE, PEACH in the master bedroom, APPLE GREEN in the family room, OCHRE in the guest room, and a warm BROWN in the office. The living room is still up for grabs, but Paul (check out his blog http://pdopaint.blogspot.com/) and Mitchl are still working it out. I was a bit freaked out by the idea of LIVER AND PORK, but mitch meant CORK. We totally cracked up when I drew the line at painting the dinning room the colors of MEAT! I did get a bit nervous when they started discussing disco, but I do like the black and gray shag carpet that has been picked out. As long as it doesn't get too shinny. There is really no good disco, but I know I will grow to like whatever they pick or it will change before too long! That is one thing about living with someone who loves design, don't get too attached. The design will change.

The house is pretty darn cool. I like it. It has a pool, which is gated with a 6 foot fence, yeah! And a huge yard, which the dog likes, and plenty of room for everyone. I am so excited. No matter when we go, we will be moved in, as we move in next week, after the paint drys, or I hope it drys. the rain is coming tomorrow, so....let's think dry. The process was so up and down, that I didnt think I even liked it anymore, but it is really cool. A great place for a family to live for a long, long time. Even the dog is happy. I hope Lulu is happy there.

I am thinking about the people at the home-study agency who came in on their day off and pushed our papers out the door and have the numbers of people to call to ask if the papers arrived. It makes me so pleased that they know what is going on. Lets just cross our fingers.

I have band work to do, but how I will get anything done with not knowing what we are going to do and with not having one box packed and the movers coming next week.

I did clean the refrigerator and the kitchen cupboards out, but I so wanted to avoid packing I made dinner. And anyone that knows me, knows how I LOVE to cook. NOT.

Waiting sucks, especially this last round. The election in Ethiopia makes everything so un-clear.

I hope, I hope, I hope she comes home in the middle of our move. Please, let her come home in May.

Spring, Spring, Spring

2010-04-22T13:59:00.001-07:00

Spring. Okay, things change in the spring, but This IS Crazy.

Got the keys to the new house. It's pretty cool. Big, empty, with a park like yard, tons to do, but pretty darn cool. 1974, here we come.

Also, this is the week of final stretch paperwork for Lulu-B. Emailed the I-600, the DS 230 and the I-864. No, I am not making these forms up. I thought they had to be mailed in and then taken to the Embassy, as we did with Eli. But two months ago, the US government changed it's policy, and we needed to email them to our agency, which Mitch did this morning. The forms must be into the embassy two weeks before you can pick your child up. I will put them in a list for the adoptive families that might want to cut and paste:

I-600
DS 230
I-864

The DS 230 you fill out as if your child is filling it out. No, she is not married. No, she has no job history, etc....

And, on the first day we had keys to the house, our home study update.

Okay, why have we waited to update? I am no longer sure, but they were waiting for us to be in our new house. So nice to see our social worker, on this journey with us for 6 years now. Plastic pirate cups and folding chairs, as we move next week, after they paint. Well, it is going to be down to the wire, in the new house, expedite left, expedite right, call this person, call that, our homestudy agency has kindly offered to push it through, extra, extra fast, with people working on their birthday and coming in on their day off. Please, please, please, let it be enough.

Our fingers are crossed that we are assigned an appointment and our update gets in by the skin of it's teeth.

Fingers crossed. We want Lulu-B home.

Now all we have to do is pack, move, unpack and go to Ethiopia. Wait, the cable guy, the internet, the tree guy, the......

wait, we can even skip all that.....all we want is Lulu-B home.... May she fly home in the spring..... May.....

Eli's Trip to Ethiopia

2010-04-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Andrea & Eli, with sky-ball, waiting outside at the doc's

Eli in Ethiopia at the YGF

Hey, Eli, what was the best part of Ethiopia?

"Seeing baby sister."

What did you like there?

The proudest brother

"Giving her a bottle, reading her a book, playing skyball and playing with the kids."

Do you miss anyone?

"Baby sister and Ibrihim......"

Eli's portrait of Ibrihim

Eli rocked the trip. Ethiopians honestly like children. They really do. They say hello, Salam to them, shake their hand, teach them language, grab their cheeks. They like kids. Even Eli was a bit taken aback, at first, by all the attention. A shy child might find it really disconcerting, but he got with the program learned to say thank you (amasayganalho) and he could say everyone's names almost right away.

The famous SKYBALL

But pretty much anywhere we went, Eli had fun. He liked the surrealism of the lawn gnomes and mushrooms at the Sheraton, and the playground, even if our stay was very short.

Who knew they would have Amanita muscaria in Ethiopia?

Chilling with Sister, writing the news

We miss her.

The way home from Dubai

2010-04-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dubai

April 9, 2010

The call to prayer is happening for the second time since we arrived from Ethiopia.

Do not leave the Dubai airport, unless you want to see Dubai, as you cannot re-enter until 3 or 4 hours before your flight, and the flight is at least 6 or 7 hours after the Dubai flight from Addis. You can, of course leave, and take a cab and dump your bags at a hotel outside of the airport, but we didnt do that on the way, and....thus we were a bit out of the loop. And you only have to leave the airport if you check your bags halfway for pickup in Dubai….the whole thing a pain the in the neck. We gave up after we figured it all out, 2 hours in, and waited around. Whatever.

If you like to shop, there is a lovely mall in the airport.

YES, this day does suck.

We said goodbye to Lulu-B yesterday at Toukoul. And to Ethiopia this morning. I cant believe we cant bring her home yet, even though I knew that was the story. No, orphanages are not a solution that truly benefits children, just as foster care is not a great solution either. I have read lots of criticisms of international adoption of late. Please, feel free to visit an orphanage, even as well run as Toukoul, and then lets talk. On that topic, just read in the NY Times about a new study on aging out of foster care in the US…guess what? Not a great way to start life either.

We were surprised to find that many of the children at Toukoul do not get adopted. It really is an orphanage, and some of the children get adopted, most through a French agency and a few through two US agencies. Many, many of the children stay and move through their various stages, even going into training programs as they get older, to try and help them prepare for work. One caretaker said they never know which children are going to be adopted and which will be there forever.

We went on a tour of the new orphanage, which is outside of Addis, near a town called Akaki . It is owned by Toukoul. The children from Toukoul 3 were just moved there, next children from Toukoul 2 and Toukoul 1 will be moved in. It will house many of the babies that are being adopted as well as children 0-5 years of age, with a special section for HIV positive children, some of whom will re-test HIV negative, after months of medication, which the director told me they felt is a huge success. It is a fairly open, airy space and will have a guest house a few minutes drive away, which is under construction. The whole thing will be very nice, and already has a classroom, a library, a toy room, and way the ratios like a typical daycare.

As wonderful as it is, it is still not a family; is still not a Reggio Emilia Preschool, a Montessori Preschool or even a typical US preschool, with a curated number of children to caregivers and a mother or a father to pick you up when you are tired and stressed out after 3 or 5 or 6 hours. It was a very emotional for the whole family, especially knowing that not every one of the children you see, will be adopted.

Eli noticed, the children don't own anything. No toy is theirs, no thing is theirs, just their name, and their person. What a difference, a childhood.

More families are needed, not less. Children deserve homes.

Saying goodbye is impossible. I hope she flies home to us, home to us soon.

(37 hours later, after our lovely layover in Dubai, we returned back home. Ethiopia is very far away, but it is very much in our hearts.)

More details about missing days as I can write them....

Tuesday in Ethiopia

2010-04-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I re-learned today that one of Lulu’s nannies is named Fasika or Easter. She told me before, but I immediately forgot. Just like everything, our sea legs are now under us….we had no lost in translation moments today. A miracle! Everyone’s name here has a meaning or is from the bible, just about, but they can be so different and filled with vowels, it is hard for my dyslexic brain to connect.

We were going to go to the big market today, but stopped at the post office neighborhood and went to the shops there. The first stall got the most of our money, then we started to bargain. The silver rattle in the one shop really was nice, as was the ebony lion, but I will have to pack it and we will wait for the next trip. We never made it all the way down the block and we never saw the big market. Our guide and best hope for translation was a great bargainer.

I got a beautiful Ethiopian cross and some leather crosses. I wonder if they will be too religious to give to most people as gifts. They are really, really cool, all the various crosses. There are a zillion, in silver, leather, wood. We bought a cross from the Amahara region and some silver necklaces for Lulu-B. Mitchel managed to get a decent price for some traditional scarfs with the Ethiopian colors, but it took 4 stores and several visits and we still got the foreigner price. Eli picked out some rocks, which the man selling was so shocked by that he initially asked 100 birr each for the tiny rocks. The next guys sold them to Mitch, quietly, for 10 birr each, but said, keep it quiet, keep it quiet.

I found the most lovely bird book in English on Ethiopian birds. Our awesome driver from the Toukoul Guest House (YGF), Ibrihim, looked at it for about 5 minutes and knew some of the calls of the various birds and where one can see them. He is massively experienced in tours all over Ethiopia and loves going on them. If you stay at YGF, the Toukoul Guest House, once you arrive, it is easy to set up tours of the country with guides just like him. No tour is too long! He has spent days with many of the different tribes and knows so much about Ethiopia and it's peoples. We hope to come back, someday, and spend a month traveling around and visiting the tribes, seeing the birds and animals, and hanging out with him. He led tours around for a long time, but now has a wife and two daughters and would like to stay closer to home. Yes, you can book trips with him or one of the other drivers, easily though YGF, once you are in country.

Being white, a minority by far,( I think I saw less than 15 white people other than those in our party today) there are two or three price levels. One place we visited has it just about right, Foreigners, 20 birr, Resident Aliens, 10 Bir, Ethiopians, 2 birr. At the lions of Judah, the park, we had to pay a camera tax of 20 birr, in addition and then our guides got pinched for 2 more birr each at the gate, just because. The market is the same, Foreigners, 150 to 200%, Returned Ethiopians, without Amharic, 75% and locals, 5 to 10 % markup. But sometimes, there are special fees…double for taxis on holidays, for instance or extra mark up for rain or late night taxis. Also, almost everyone works for low wages and earns their money in tips. Frankly, as long as I don’t pay 400% markup, and am closer to the 150%, I am happy. It’s money into the economy.

And it is so safe. Before we came, I was afraid of going to the market, afraid of losing our wallet, afraid of getting sick. Yes, medicine is not as common here. Yes, there are no car seats, yes, pay attention to your wallet, yes, bring your own antibiotics, cold medicine, novels, pens and paper at your beck and call, but other than that, it is an amazing place. The people are so welcoming, so openhearted. Yes, like any market, many people want a piece of you. The other day, at the lion of Judah, following our guide's lead, Andrea gave our half empty big water bottles to the three girls that adopted us for the trip. Their names were impossible to remember, as I have never ever heard the words before, but they had the biggest smiles and really wanted to just be friends. Sure a piece of chocolate would be nice, but….just watching us hang out was entertaining. They were kind and intended no harm….

Yesterday, we had a really funny LOST IN TRANSLATION event. Andrea and I took apart the lonely planet, when we all decided we were not going to go trekking, when we decided that we needed to stay near Lulu, and tried to figure out what we wanted to do in Addis. We made a list and asked Ibrihim if he could help us out. He said, sure, one day, we can do all of that....well, we spread it out, what with seeing Lulu everyday, twice for up to 2 hours at a stretch! One thing we both liked the look of was the Lion of Judah. So, off we went on the Monday after Easter. Mitch had a mild stomach ache that passed after a few hours, but he stayed home, thank goodness. Andrea, Eli and I went off with our incredible hosts, to see the Lion of Judah.

Imagine our surprise, when low and behold, we arrived at the LIONS of JUDAH. Yes, Hallie Sallise's Lions, and, being a national holiday, half of Addis, off to the zoo for the day. The lions were beautiful, but we thought we were going to a monument made of black stone. Yes, The LIONS of Judah are live and right in the middle of Addis, and as you can tell, very, very close to you!

And our hosts never whispered a word that we were asking them to take us to the equivalent of Fisherman's Wharf on The 5 of July. Not a word. What an experience! And a perfect Lost in Translation moment. I thanked our guides a million times. (the turtle lives there too!)

Speaking of chocolate, I have not seen it here. We need to go walk through a drug store, but most people go to their equivalent of the corner store, a shack on a dirt road that sells stuff….water in bottles, and other things. People also walk over to hang out. The main roads are paved, but the neighborhoods are a mixup of old and new, with lots of dirt roads. Cows, sheep, dogs hanging out, next to a car, and a block away a medium size hotel, the JUPITER, with internet and doormen, but the street in front, unpaved. A local coffee-mega-cafe-equivalent in one place, then people living in the street down the way. A group of at least 50 men, hand digging the new broad band in. Construction, with handmade Eucalyptus scaffolding, everywhere. A wild jumble of sounds, images and life.

Tomorrow we are going to give our toy donations (balloons, sidewalk chalk, pens, super balls, a few toy cars…just little things that fit in the suitcase) to the orphanage and hopefully be allowed to let Eli share some of them. I don’t know how it works, but I do know that you are supposed to check the presents in at t he office. Because of the day tomorrow, we may not get to Toukoul until the afternoon visit and unlike the weekend, the kids were in school today, so not in the yard to play are rousing game of SKY Ball, a new target product that has been a huge hit. I want to bring a suitcase of SKY BALLS next time to give away. It wouldn’t weigh much, but it would be bulky.

I don’t really remember yesterday. I wrote my mom on a slow internet connection, downloaded some files for 15 minutes and my five minutes of fame was done. Sharing a computer an hour a day, at a spot a lovely walk from our house….nice, but not really a part of the intra web!

Things to bring as gifts: Little bound notebooks, pens and pencils to go with, things depicting your city, postcards…. balloons, cloth diapers, baby blankets, clothes for older kids, toys, games, books, whatever will fit. I packed some SF Giants baseball caps (I dont know how popular they were!) and I am psyched to give them away. The boys didn’t end up wearing them.

Last , but not least, LULU-B.

She was so cute today in her short sleeve outfit. Yes she had two undershirts and socks on, but you could see her arms and her calves. She SO likes us. The main doctor, who’s name I cant spell, much less say, stepped in to say hello and respond to a question that we had. She was lovely, kind and said that Lulu would be spoiled now….she obviously was responding so well to us. It was a sweet comment, very kind.

It’s true. Lulu really does seem to like us, although we are the only game in town. We show up, entertain her, give her kisses. Today, she really, really liked watching Eli play ball with this amazing cloth ball I got at the Ethnology Museum, or the University Museum. She was very, very happy and moving very well. We went down the checklist from Dr. Arnoson (finally got it downloaded, we forgot it had home.

Note to self, read it before you leave, duh) with Lulu, in person and she is doing great. She is a bit stiff, but I think it is just from her trying so hard to do things before she should. She can push herself up 90 degrees, she can move both arms and bring them together to stuff in her mouth, she follows sound, she watches Eli play ball across the room.

She is just a bit over 4 months. She is out of her mind with wanting to do stuff. She ROCKS.

The Ethnology Museum is housed in a main building of the University on the second floor. We loved it. Also, so cool to see the library, with the students studying, just like a college anywhere. I bought a beautiful little ball, which they don't have at the Toukoul gift shop. Which has a ton of stuff, but much of it is put away. It is directly across the courtyard from the room you get to hang out with your baby in. It is open during the week and you don't have to haggle. You can look at the book and then they will take things out for you. I wish they took credit cards, but almost NO ONE DOES. Well, the Sheraton and Hilton. The nice thing about the gift shop, no bargaining as the prices are set and the money goes to the orphanage. The market, getting a good price, takes FOREVER! (We did buy some absolutely fabulous art, on credit card at a special gallery. The paintings are now in my house!)

Outside the university ethnology museum is this arresting statue. Each step represents one year of the Italian rule. Andrea loved this statue.

We are going to go get some more money exchanged as we only changed $300, and with trying to shop for Lulu-B, gifts for people at home and wanting to tip at the guest house, as the people are so very cool….we just don’t want to run out and not have money for everything.

Yesterday, we went to the Entoto mountains for a few hours and saw Emperor Melika’s palace and the outside of a beautiful, the most traditional, Ethiopian Orthodox church.
The countryside is just a half hour away; the air is fabulous and the view of the city great. There is supposed to be a wildlife park up there, but we forgot to ask about it. The air was really clear and we even met, just for a moment, the caretaker's, a couple that live in the traditional way. The palace and the church were well worth the visit.

I hope someday to travel to see more of the animals. With Lulu.

Easter Sunday

2010-04-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

April 4, 2010

Wow. The time is just so full. Today was Fasika, or Easter.

A beautiful thing we are experiencing about Ethiopia is how openhearted people are. Today really is a day of rest, especially after almost half the population stays up to go to Easter service from 11 pm to 3 am. You need a day of rest. Also, the Muslim population and the Christian population are very peaceful towards one another and everyone takes a holiday and gathers with family to eat traditional food and have coffee. The streets are empty the first half of the day and the roads almost silent. Then, people go out walking in their neighborhood, just to be friendly and to hang out.

We went to Toukoul in the morning and many, many of the children were dressed up in all white for the holiday. The children really played with Eli today, and he tried very hard to keep up. They are bigger kids and the difference in their lives is very clear to them, not so much to Eli. He just loves having new friends and he does pretty darn good sharing his sky-ball, but what a trip.

Today, we were treated to two special celebrations, both for Easter and both fabulous. Ethiopians are very proud of all their cultures and really enjoy celebrating by cooking, eating and having the coffee ceremony. I know I read this, but really, they are! Abyssinia, the restaurant is so cool, especially after seeing in the two houses we were lucky to go into, the TV tuned to Ethiopian television and Ethiopian tribal music and dance.

For lunch, at the Guest House, as they do for most holidays, they made traditional food, with the goat from last night, and kindly told us which foods were fully cooked and which ones were half cooked and we sat down with some of the staff and had lunch. The two cooks, Wendil and his assistant, the young owner of Toukoul, Gabriel and his friend, and afterward, everyone, the whole staff and us, shared coffee together. A beautiful celebration and we ate way too much.

We feel very lucky to be meeting several Ethiopians that have returned after growing up in other places. Some were adult adoptee’s and culturally are from their new country, and some were raised more in Ethiopian culture, but have never lived here as adults. There is an ability to connect about life that is really interesting, and an amazing thing to meet these people, people who our children may some day become. One of the people who works for Toukoul and YGB said that the number of returning expatriates in her generation is about 20 thousand. She just returned from our collective hometown, San Francisco, and her nephew possibly goes to the same school in Oakland that some of our oldest friends children go to. What a small world.

We went and saw Lulu-B again in the afternoon. She is so beautiful. The nurse on her floor was so kind today, even though she was away from her 3 children on Easter, a major holiday. The nannies were just leaving for church, all dressed up, in beautiful dresses and such a wonderful thing to see the devotion of the people. I am not particularly religious, but it is an incredible reflection of their culture to see and meet so many devout an kind people.

Lulu. She is interested in everything. The tree, us, me, Eli, the books I brought, the playing children. She loves the book Joshua gave Eli, about sounds. She loves the book about baby animals that my mom gave her. She even liked the book about all the different skin colors. I wish I had brought a rattle, as she loves to put them in her mouth. She came to see us today, all clean and in her heart outfit that I dropped off, with her nails clipped. Yesterday, she had been changed into a onesie,….yes on top of her undershirt. They kindly provided pink wool booties, sewed on with thread, as she would get cold. If you are bringing items to donate, bring some clothes with feet and long sleeves. Maybe in the summer they dress a bit less warmly, but if the sky is cloudy, the clothes go on. Just like in Guatemala!

Eli really wants to connect with Lulu, but doesnt quite know how, yet. I made sure to give him big hugs today and tell him what a great big brother he is, while lulu was in the room. He is rocking this trip; sharing his toys, playing with the kids, trying to listen, failing some, but generally, making eye contact and being a rock star. It is expected that he shake hands with everyone, every time he comes in a room. They LOVE kids and want to connect. It looks to me as if it makes even him just a bit shy. It is very directed attention and he is generally doing great. He is trying the food, playing hard and being super loving to HIS sister. I am so very glad we brought him, my fabulous little ambassador. He is also getting more comfortable with staying home for next trip.

What we did this evening was go to another traditional dinner, the second celebration. Fabulous, and incredibly interesting. In the airport hotel that we stayed at in Atlanta, we met a wonderful woman, Marta. She found out we were going to Addis and said you MUST go see my sister in Addis. She invited Mitchel and Eli. He said, okay. We took some presents from her to the kids and added a few token items. They lived in a small, I think middle class neighborhood, 10 minutes from here in a very, very Ethiopian neighborhood which is about 15 to 20 years old. We were served dinner and hopefully ate the right things. Unfortunately, we were still so full from lunch, we couldn’t do the food justice. We avoided the lovely fresh salad and maybe accidentally drank some juice made with water, but I hope he didn’t know the word for tap water! I will let you know. We had no idea what it would be like to have to Ethiopian feasts in the same day. We couldn't do the food justice.

The house was modest, but inviting, and arranged for the coffee ceremony, with grass on the ground and our hosts so fabulous. They enjoyed meeting us and were surprised that we were, in their words, so nice, so willing to hang out and try to find some humor in simple things, just like Ethiopians! We shared the family pictures in my little book I made, which has been a huge hit, and explained that we were adopting Lulu-B. The uncle, the patriarch, later made sure to say, there are so many, many children, even in his family. Hewit’s coffee was fantastic; even I had a sip, which may be why I am writing so much. We also took pictures for everyone and we will email the photos to Marta, the person that invited us. Marta has been working abroad for 3 years and they miss her and she them. They were so happy to see the picture we had stored on the phone, they each kissed the camera, as if they could kiss her. There were about 15 people, from children to brothers and we met them just a few at a time, so it was a bit confusing.

We learned that it is good to say their name and shake hands when meeting, and then again when you say goodbye. If you have forgotten their names, you can ask again at the end and say, goodbye. Luckily, their names were all biblical, so if you could figure out which bible persona, (they sometimes are very different), it was easier to remember. The mother was beautiful, modest and wore a head scarf. A teenage girl started the coffee ceremony. Marta’s sister finished the coffee ceremony. They kept sneaking more beer into our glasses. They almost all spoke English, at least a little. No one ate with us, but they asked Ibrihiam, our driver into join us. The oldest brother, Abrahiam, who is at home is in college, for accounting, was lovely. Hewit and her husband live, in Saudi Arabia with her son. Her daughter, who is 7, stayed home to be with her grandmother. Hewit, later, even told us that she felt it was too restrictive to have her daughter in Saudi, and that she cant stand not being able to drive and having to wear the full burka is so restrictive. Interesting to have a conversation about women's rights in Ethiopia, with and Ethiopian woman. Very cool.

There is a cool series on women in Ethiopia. I dont know how long it will be up, but check it out:

http://www.unfoundation.org/our-impact/stories-of-impact/empowering-women-girls/un-foundation-in-every-corner-of-ethiopia.html

Saturday, day and late night Easter Service

2010-04-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

April 3, 2010

Okay, so I don’t think we can go anywhere. What we need to do is stay here, do some small trips and hang with Lulu-B. She does need us, we need to be here.

She has a little cold, which in the US might require medicine. It made us worried so we asked to have a doctor listen to her chest. They arranged for the nurse on duty to listen to her chest; it was clear, thank goodness, as the doctor's were out for the weekend. The staff was very helpful in setting up the appointment, (and she got better every day we were there!)

As it is the Saturday before Fasika (Easter), which looks to be about the same as asking to see a doctor on Dec 24; everyone is out buying their lamb or goat and running around getting ready for church, going to see family, The city is filled and has been for a few days, filled to the brim with herds of cows, sheep, goats and chickens. Very common today to see someone walking along pushing or pulling a horned supper beast. Also, people waiting for rides and cars everywhere…just the same feeling of rush, rush everywhere, just like at home on the day before Christmas….

Mitchel is a bit overwhelmed, but doing okay. Between the huge diesel generator, which I believe Anton could make more acceptable, noise wise, roaring away, then, today, for Fasika…just add one bleating sheep. Yes, our own lamb/goat animal, knowing something is up, right across the street and brought in for its last night. As Eli likes to say, as we would see them passing by, their goes someone’s dinner.

We went on errands with the staff after a quick visit to listen to Lulu-B's chest with the nurse. Her chest was clear! We drove to a neighborhood, near Toukuol, got out of the jeep, and walked up to the goat people. Because we were there, they tried to charge double! But, the cook bargained them down, picked out a goat and into the jeep it came! We dropped it off at the butcher and then we were off to buy some meat somewhere else.

And here came the funniest "lost in translation" moment. On our way to the next errand, we were told we needed to buy dog meat. Mitch and I waited in the car this time, both trying to figure out how we were going to say no to dog meat at the special Ethiopian diner. When Wendil got back in the car, Mitchel asked, meat for dogs or dog meat? The whole car had a huge chuckle. The meat was for Gabriel's dogs, the G in YBF. They needed meat for dog food. Ethiopians dont eat dog! Boy, were we worried, for about 15 minutes. It was really funny.

We have been welcomed to celebrate Fasika in several ways….tomorrow, the chef Wendil is making a special Ethiopian celebratory meal for us to share with the staff. Yea! We requested it and they are making it. We, of course, have new fresh grass cuttings, for our own coffee ceremony. Some people make a living cutting the grass, tying it up and then selling it to people for their special coffee ceremony. And tomorrow night, we are going to dinner at a Ethiopian famiily's house. We met her sister in the hotel airport and have presents to bring to the children. I also asked, and we are to bring flowers and bread. (We ended up just bringing some token gifts for the children!)

But first, Andrea and I have a special invitation. Tonight, if we can wake up at 11, we will go to church. So many people go that someone is saving a space outside the church for us to come and participate. Church will go from 11 to 3 or so, then there is a special break-fast celebration….one of our new Toukoul friends, our main conduit to all things baby and many things Ethiopian invited us to go with her mother and sister. Yesterday, anyone who didn’t work, and who is Ethiopian Orthodox, went to church and did this super fast, Namast-like prayer. Siad (Asaide), the night manager at the reception desk went to church and prayed this week for six hours yesterday, on the day they do a special bow all day long. You can go for an hour or for all day….He called to wake us to go and said, hopefully, wear nice clothes. Andrea had come prepared, so we managed to be mostly in white and our heads covered in cloth. They were pleased we dressed in white.

The service was beautiful. We met and had a special bean (maybe something like soya bean) mixture, bread, like hot crossed bun bread, and Ethiopian spice tea, just a small snack before you break the fast after the service. The fast, I think, is no meat for 55 days, just vegetarian, for Lent. Then we drove to St. Mikael’s and sat outside. The chanting was amplified from inside the church, and then we just followed along.

It was a beautiful thing, everyone in white, men and women. People coming to sit as late as 1130, and people moving over to let them find a spot. Not so crowded to be uncomfortable. Some people were outside under trees and stars, we were in these covered open huts that surround the garden of the church, many, many inside church. To be inside you need to arrive before 3, as by then, all the space is taken. Sometimes, it was call and response, sometimes it was two people singing at once….a few drums and later, a bell that repeats, sometimes the singers did small variations, slightly behind the main voice of the priest. When our service would take a small pause, you could hear the church just a bit away and the echoes of their singing. It was such a treat to be part of a tradition that stretches back to the beginning of Christianity, in my daughter’s country.

Such a beautiful Easter morning.

Happy Fasika. Melkam Fasika….I think that is how you say it!

Friday, Noontime & 3 AM Sat Morning

2010-04-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

April 1 and 2, 2010

Today we woke up, had scrambled eggs at the Guest house and walked Mitchel to the Jupiter Hotel, walking distance from our guest house; they have free wi-fi. We are confused as to the name of where we are staying, but it IS the guest house for Toukoul, called YGF. Trying to figure simple things out in a new country is sometimes way more complicated than one would think. Like, why did the gate clerks in Dubai walk around the waiting room taking people’s bags? We got ours back, but it was a bit crazy. Gate check with a difference. Ordering dinner, the same. Any simple thing…the same.

We went and saw Lulu-B this morning. She remembered us, after just one visit, and was quite happy to see us. She gave us several smiles. They brought her wrapped in the blanket we brought her yesterday. Eli had a rousing game of SKY ball with his target sky ball with some of the children in the yard while we waited to see her. Eventually, a little boy got a bit upset and yard politics dictated that the nannies move the children away.

They have a nice room with lots of sofa’s and chairs to meet Lulu. One of the nannies brings her to the room and later they even brought a bottle for us to feed her. She ate it all up. She cooed and Andrea massaged her back. She looks as if she always turns to the right. Her left side is very stiff. We will definitely off to the osteopath when we get to take her home. But she was bright eyed and ready to hang out. I think more relaxed and engaged today than yesterday. Her body is really strong, and she is very alert and holds her head up well. She has a bit of a cold, but it is hard to tell if it is in her chest or just her nose.

She LOVES her big brother Eli. He is a big, big hit. He insisted on going back in the afternoon and he held her. He read her a book and is generally very, very engaged. We agreed that she is going to be a good sister. She really likes Mitchel; he sings her little songs and tells her things. I hog the baby most of the time and tell her sweet nothings. Today, she could look at me in the eye a bit. She really enjoyed her bottle.

Baby details may write boring….I don’t know. But saying goodbye chokes me up every time. The people are all lovely, but there are miles of laundry to do, too many children to caretakers. Each time she has been delivered by a different nanny and picked up by a different one. I remember reading that there were so many nannies. Now, I see what they mean. If one brought presents for four to six nannies; it would be a good start, but not begin to cover the staff.

There is also a beauty to the children playing in the yard. It would be a big cultural shift, to leave as an older child.I think the older kids are still enveloped by typical Ethiopian culture. If they go to the states or Europe, gone may be the hanging out with their peers, which appears to be such a normal part of Ethiopian culture. Just hanging out, playing, being part of things. There is similarity to traditional Latin culture; children are loved, talked to a played with, but they also get a bunch of time to just hang out.

I asked our host about the big kids. I presumed they were all going to adoptive homes, but no….Toukoul 1 and Toukoul 2 are basically what makes up the space where Lulu lives. All the children ask her name when they came in. They do know her name. Most of the older kids are not going to the US.. My heart aches. They are such lovely children.

This afternoon, the greeting room was full of two beautiful babies and their parents to be, so we went and hung out with Lulu-B in the nurse’s station, downstairs in the back. The nurse on duty was lovely. She told me she took care of 6 rooms of children. There are 4 nurses that rotate and each group of children have 4 nannies or babysitters that rotate. Lulu-B has 4 nurses, and then at least 8 nannies, along with all the other children and babies in her group.

Having Eli is like a passport to a different world. The children are small by US standards, I would have guessed closer to seven and eight. Three boys came in a played with Eli. He entertained them for about 15 minutes. They all could say, My name is….one boy was 9, another 10. They had huge smiles and thought Eli was a crack up. Everyone of the big kids wants a balloon.

We have toys to give out, but don’t know the best way. Just some matchbox cars, some super balls, side walk chalk and some thick balloons on a rubber band. I wish we had more. We are supposed to check them into the office, then we maybe, can give them out. I could see that if only a few children got toys, it could be a disaster. Maybe they wait until they have enough for everyone.

The battery is fading, and I should try to get some sleep. So many children here. I know our family can handle one at a time, that is what each child needs, but it is so hard to see the beautiful spirits and to be here for just one.

My heart breaks.

3 am Friday Morning, April 2, 2010

2010-04-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

Addis Abba

Ethiopia is far away. That seems obvious, but it’s three in the morning and we are so darn jet lagged. Practically speaking we are just about 12 hours off. Mitch’s cell phone is even off by an hour. Who knows why, but there you are.

Yes, it does take forever to get here. Really, it took us forever!

Luckily, once everyone settled into it, it went really smoothly. Dubai is a trip; people from all over the world, and the first time where I experienced being in a group where people from the middle east were at least 40% of the population. Lots of Muslim men and women, people from India, Africa, many, many faces that reminded me of the silk route….it was really cool being in the minority.

In the Dubai airport we had a mediocre dinner at a forgettable place in the middle of the airport. Had a great breakfast at PAUL’s. Definitely will return. We tried to wake Eli up for dinner at YGF in Ethiopia, but he wouldn’t have it. I had to carry him upstairs after grabbing half a bite. The only time he really gets cranky is jet lag. He is my sweet boy.

The people at the Toukoul Guest House or YGF, are really nice. Andrea walked to the Jupiter Hotel to use the internet. We are slightly disappointed that they don’t serve Ethiopian food everyday, and the shower, of course, sucks. But, really nice people and I our driver is cool. Cant wait to have my sea legs and feel more used to the high altitude. Between that and jet lag it’s hard to have traction.

We met our daughter today. She is beyond compare. Words really fail me.

She was very, very excited and really likes to move around. She has a tight neck on one side and favors her other side. Andrea did some body work on it to loosen it up. She liked that. I held her almost the whole time, except, big brother, Eli was a great baby holder. SHE loved Eli. Wanted to know what THAT was all about. Got a bit stressed by all of us in the room and all the attention, but I just walked her.

She fell asleep in mitch’s hands, on his lap. Just for a moment. The time went way too fast. I don’t know if we will be able to go anywhere. I think we may just stay here and go see her twice a day.

She has a bit of a wheezy cough. We are going to email Dr. Aronson and ask for advice. We can also email Dr. Sofia and they have 3 docs at Toukoul. I don’t know if getting medicine here is even possible. I imagine for the cold, there isn’t much to do, but we will ask.

She has perfect feet, one ear that sticks out and a great spirit, both engaged and contained. I could go on all night, but I think getting some more sleep might be smart.

Upside down, downside up……we came to see her. I think it was important. She needs the love. We are so lucky.

Wow....

2010-03-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Going to visit Lulu-B. In Africa. Lot of work to pack for Africa. Half our luggage is medicine, I think. If I stayed up, i would be on Ethiopian time. Crazy, half a world away.

I am going to try and post in Africa, but I dont know if it will work. I may have to write the posts and then transfer them over to publish. Internet access is spotty and Mitchel and I will be sharing a computer. I may not get much time on it!

Alice delivered a quilt for Lulu tonight. Wow. She is so very, very, very kind. She finished it today and brought it to us. It is amazing to have new friends. I feel very lucky. We havent made many friends as parents, but that is changing this year. What a gift.

The quilt has owls. And it isnt pink. I think of Leahy. I think of wise old owl and I think of that apartment around the corner from our Guerrero Apartment a million years ago, with all the owls. They are still there, the last time I walked by with Bi-rite Ice cream.

Speaking of gifts, we called in the favors....Ed and Eileen stepped in the lurch so we could go to the Nueva benefit last night - (wild & fun) and Killian & Sean picked Mr. Schmee up at 10 took him to the park, brought him to Beth and Stasha's who proceeded to let him play Wi for several hours, then the Godmonsters brought Mr. Man home with Takeout....from Osha. Life is amazing when your friends help. And Paul and Cathy came by and brought beautiful baby clothes from Cha...gifts everywhere.

I hope I packed the right things.

Past time to sleep. we are leaving at 4 or 5 am.

We are coming to see you , dear Lulu.

Photos for Lulu-B

2010-03-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

We passed.

Yesterday, we passed court in Ethiopia. Our daughter is legally ours, according to the Ethiopian Government. We found out today, in an email, and I called Mitchel to tell him; he could almost not speak. We happen to be going to visit, as I think she needs us, but now we are awaiting Embassy approval for a departure or pick up date. Hopefully sometime this summer.

My heart hurts today, just a bit, for the families I started this journey with. The families from the lovely Kyrgyzstan adoption group, still a group of people that I miss. Their council, their wise words and calm tones. They were a kind group and a small group. Families just before us had referrals, some with passed court dates, I think, but 65 families and children caught in limbo. A family, a child, connected but not together.

It is not rational; I know one terrifying element of this is the randomness of it all, but I feel as if Lulu-B took us from Kyrgyzstan to Ethiopia, trying very hard to come home.

Monday, now, fingers crossed, we go to visit her. And hopefully, sometime this summer she will come home. To have her not come home with us this trip, to let her stay when she is ours, I don't know how we will do that and survive, but to not go see her and give her some love is impossible. So we go. I am excited, nervous, thrilled, worried and so happy she is joining our family. Lulu-B, Lulu-B....here we come!

Our Timeline to Lulu-B:

Decided to Adopt Again: Jan 28, 08
Switched to Ethiopia, Feb, 09?
Dossier to Agency July 2, 09
Dossier Registered in Ethiopia, Aug 21, 09
Referral, Feb 1, 2010
Court: March 25, 2010 PASSED
Received news of court, March 26

Still Waiting.....

Africa and other things

2010-03-25T00:29:00.000-07:00

The boys are sleeping and I cant sleep....there are things all over the house, and insanity in the air. The to do list is longer than I thought:

Buy dog food,
Get $20 bills all after the year 2000.
A long skirt.
Hat.
Shoe:E needs second pair of shoes, as he just out grew everything.....
Vaccinations
Find the list and find out what I forgot.
Embassy registration

It is like a treasure hunt. Special money, special treats, special med's, And the list goes on and on and on....

(We are going to Africa. Just to visit and see her.)

Today, some big bids came back on the house we are in contract on and our agent got the brunt of my mommy anger...sorry to say....that, and the lame dude flirting on his break with another Costco employee on his break at the prescription counter. I finally said to him, could you try a little harder here? We are buying a house today and going to Africa on Monday...I'd like to fill all the prescriptions and I don't have a lot of time to waste. The malaria meds sealed the deal, I think, he stepped up, although I still have to go back. i just couldn't wait.

(Africa. Dubai then Africa. buddy passes. Takes two and a half days to get there.)

I had just picked Eli up from school, talked to three friends about school choices, less than relaxing to say the least (for those of you not from the California Bay Area or NYC.....this is the week SF tells you if you got into school. YOU? No your child, but you are basically powerless, or have to make some impossible choice. Is my 5 year old going to be a self starter? Does he need freedom or structure? Should he be fluent in Spanish, but never see a microscope? Public schools are on a lottery. You spend weeks in the fall visiting schools, pick out your favorites and you sign up. Zachary didn't get into any of his choices. The other route is private and most people get wait-listed. An icky week we experienced last year. We feel lucky, Eli is at Nueva school, which although lacking language immersion, is a fantastic school, with amazing hands on science and a good fit for Eli. Categorizing & sorting Lichen and Mushrooms in Pre-K. Eli is happy, we are happy, but it is hard to see my friends going though it and strange to be so stressed out the same week.

the house. How to even think of it. I spent 2 or 3 hours writing up all the bids and hopefully it will save us some money or hassles. Doubt it. Just made poor Eli feel ignored.

Printed a list of things to do and I hadnt even got down a third of the page. AKK.

(Ethiopia, her land. I cant wait to see her. STOP Dont get to bring her home. STOP But it will be the first time our family is together. STOP Part of her story. part of Eli's.)

Send it down the line.

Checking boxes

2010-03-16T21:03:00.001-07:00

So many things going on....

We have been frantically house hunting, trying to find a house to move to. We just barely sold our house at the end of last year to a friend and we were excited and sad to sell. It is a dreamy house in the Mission in San Francisco, but just on the other side of gentrification....the kind of place your mother doesn't really like to visit. And now that we are parents and expecting another, it didn't feel like the best place to raise our kids.

So, this week, we checked a box.

We signed on a house, down on the peninsula, in the 'burbs, south of the city. Moving out of San Francisco after 21 years is a bit intense for me. I love the city, but 21 years of no summer gets a bit wearing. I remember, one year we went to Oregon for Dave's wedding...it was warm, it was summer. That was about 20 years ago. But weather aside, I always imagined raising my child and now, hopefully children, in the city. Such a different life than I had, but still a wonderful rich experience.

We rented 25 minutes south of SF for the summer, a house with a pool. It was so sweet and so much fun to swim everyday, and my dear husband, Mitchel, wanted to stay. Eli loves his school, it is amazing. I hope it is a good fit until he goes to high school. The people we have meet through Nueva already are feeling like a community, people we will raise our kids with. I hope this is true.

Next box, the adoption.

Today, we got our court date!

It is set for a week from Thursday, March 25 in Ethiopia. This is the date our (hopefully) daughter-to-be's paper work goes to court. It is there that it is decided (if her paperwork is in order and our paperwork is in order) if she legally can becomes a member of our family. Then we wait for our embassy date and we GO GET HER.

For our agency, Embassy appointments are the 2nd and 4th Monday of every month. There is now a minimum of 8 weeks between passing court and the Embassy appointment. So, if we pass court on March 25, that puts us in late May early June.

Election day in Ethiopia is May 23, the week we might expect our Embassy appointment. i doubt we will travel then, so probably June. If we are lucky.

holding my breath. Of course, I have gigs for the second Monday in June. Great.

but we HAVE A COURT DATE.

excited. She is coming home. oh boy.....

Oh...Oh...Oh..

2010-02-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

We have a referral.

She is lovely and perfect. She is absolutely beautiful and I want her home right now.

Yesterday.

The second medical report came and she gained 1.5 pounds in a month, a bit less than she should have, but pretty good. I had a visceral response that said she needed me right NOW and why weren't they feeding her; I did not believe this is based in any kind of logic, just an insane mothering instinct kicking in. Turns out, it might be based in some fact. A internet PAP (perspective adoptive parent), told me that in the orphanage, she gets just enough, no excess.

All I know, she is tiny and much, much younger than we had expected, but she is who she is and we cant wait.

I want to go right now and stay for the three to five months. Stay and not come back until she can come home with us. I dont think that will work.

The CBS news report broke today and I announced on my yahoo groups today. My sense of timing is impeccable.

I went and spoke with the wise woman Lyn this past week trying to figure out what has me so wound up, other than the million things on our plate....lets see, buying a house, adopting internationally, from a country that has a late breaking scandal. The good news on that front, our agency is now certified and approved, one of 7 or 8 who are, and the Embassy reacted to scandal last year, closed all adoptions, and then reopened with new guidelines. I believe we have to go forward with the belief that she needs a home and we are here.

This path has been tricky. When we began this journey, my experience was from Guatemala where the most honest adoptions were not "relinquishment" cases but the impossible to process "abandonment" cases, so I was happy to look for an orphanage and agency that was involved with what I considered the more honest adoption process, although our agency does both. And guess what? The most ethical path to adoption in Guatemala is the opposite in Ethiopia. Relinquishment cases often have a more clear path in Ethiopia, and abandonment may very well be more likely to involve graft. When I figured that out last year, agency signed, sealed and delivered, I practically stopped reading the blogs, which I finally did when the dust settled on this scandal the first time.

Needless to say, I miss Rusty from E's adoption. I felt like I knew what was happening.

Back to wisdom. I marching orders from last week:

I am to send to the universe, love for our daughter, and support so she can feel loved in the orphanage. I am also to send the intention to "do no harm" to anyone and to ask forgiveness for any harm done. None is intended, and my deepest wishes are that none is being done by this adoption.

She was very, very small and still is. She is moving well, and it does appear from what little we can glean from her history, she needs a family.

I hope she comes home. I hope she comes home soon.

Everything seems to be up in the air at this point....

2010-02-02T21:28:00.000-08:00

Yep. that about says it all.

Home: Where will we live? Which city do we like? How much should we spend? how much is enough? Where will the children be happy? Is the town ethnically diverse enough? is having a relaxed summer experience important? Should we stay in the city?

Work: Who is the accordion player in my band going to be? Will I be able to work when I have two children? Will I ever update the mailing list? How much should I try to outsource?

Family: What will our daughter be like? Are we too old to be parents? Why has it taken so very long? Why? Will she feel loved and like she has found home?

Everything IS up in the air at this point.

Still waiting....Still waiting..

2010-01-28T14:03:00.000-08:00

Still waiting...

Yep, the beginning of a new period of waiting. Waiting for the specific child that will be matched with us. Why her, why us? I remember wondering about that before Eli came home. And now, he has just begun to wonder the same.

I like to say it was meant to be....but the randomness of it is what is scary to him, to us. How do so many stories work out? I think it has to do with opening your heart and letting the love in. Connecting with your baby, your child, whomever they are and accepting them. It starts there and grows and grows. That is what we dream about now, with whomever, wherever our daughter is, now....

I think that this aspect of opening to a person who is a stranger when you first meet is scary for so many people, especially for those who come from traditional families. Family is something that looks like you, sounds like you, comes from you. This is the basic things we learn, before we can talk.

With adoption, it starts with the heart and has to continue with the heart. You cant take connecting with your child for granted, you must slow down and do so, and it isnt always easy. Attachment style is something that you get, left over from your family and from their family - the people that have raised you and those before you. Both the leftovers and the best they could do.

Yes, my grandmother was a motherless daughter; my mother is an excellent mom, but when Eli hit 3 or 4, I found myself, unconsciously "running" away, walking in the other room, to clean, to do an errand, to be alone, I guess - but it wasn't planned. It was a compulsion, that felt like it came from outside of me. I had to stop, and sit and just be with him, and with myself to let it go. It didn't take an enormous change, but I had to figure out what was going on to try and change it. It took about 3 months to at least make a dent in it.

I once read, in ADOPTIVE FAMILIES Magazine, that some adoptive families reported that many people, family and friends, often "discourage" a second adoption. As much as they love your first child by adoption, they have forgotten how they opened their hearts, they have forgotten their fear of the stranger, of the new. You just have to be brave, just a little brave.

Once we have a picture, then the waiting will be come excruciating. Oh well, we have waited two years, so far, lets just put it in the bank. I guess she doesn't like to be rushed, she likes to make an entrance.

The path to Ethiopia....

2010-01-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Some thoughts on our journey.

I don’t know what is going on. But this is some of how we got here.

2 years ago we started a journey. In fact, almost two years ago to the day. I have an email to our homestudy agency asking about programs and referring to a phone call... on Jan 21, 2008.

Eli, (Guatemala) is 5 1/4 now and has been waiting patiently for two years for his baby sister. Since he was 3 and a half! Eli is wonderful. He is such a happy kid. He is in Pre-K and his school rocks. They are studying mushrooms and lichen at school; we are making a spore print right now. He just had his first guitar lesson – after picking his own instrument. I am so proud of how hard he is working at it. It is a joy to hang out with him. I said to him this week, “you know, I am a weird mom,” and he said, eyes big, and in love, “No, you’re not, you’re perfect just the way you are.” Oh, the love of a 5 year old. Such a beautiful thing.

So, two years ago, we decided to try and adopt another child, and had the countries that we qualified to be AP's in narrowed to Thailand and Kyrgyzstan, a new program. We chose the Kyrgyz Republic. Eli had a teacher’s aid from there, we had her over and were so very excited. We bought books, we read them, we were ready. Waiting, paper in country. It felt perfect.

Then, last year, while waiting for a referral, I noticed that the adoptions in Kyrgyzstan were stalled.

I told Mitch, I think we need to change countries. We were so disappointed, especially Eli. When we told him, he cried, and then got angry with me. I didn’t realize, as we had had several months to process the change, to grieve, and to start to move on; we told him after the grownups had worked through the change. It was hard work, I felt so sad about saying goodbye to Kyrgyz. We had felt an energy from there, wanting to come home to us; and then later, we also felt it’s absence, but we knew it was the right thing.

Our agency didn’t really believe the country was closed, and we instigated the change, which was stressful. The homestudy update took forever and I began to lose my patience. Some people on the internet said their agencies just transferred their dossiers; we had to create a whole new one, and it felt as if it took longer than the original homestudy. Our homestudy agency said that Thailand was now closed to us. This was disappointing as it turns out that Thailand has one of the most honest adoption programs in the world. Hind sight is always crystal clear.

So, we choose a new country, Ethiopia. I had been drawn to it from the beginning and my DH jumped on board. Our family is an adoptive, interracial family and we felt keeping it on an international path felt right. That is a different, and very long story, but one simple reason is that we wanted our children to have a similar experience, being from a land far away. I had been drawn to adoption in Ethiopia and was again, and ultimately, we decided.

The approval came in and our paperwork was finalized the first week of July. We moved houses July 2nd, and after the dust settled from the 4th of July, I went and had the last of the documents notarized and apostiled, and copied them (way more complicated once they have special notary and state stamps....what a pain, add to that, I had bring the printer from the old house to the new house and set it up, what a crazy mess) and mailed them off to the “in-country” agency. They had them stamped in DC and sent to Ethiopia. Our paperwork was registered August 21.

I looked at the web site, and we are pretty close to next in line. There are a few names around our time-line, so I am sure it will work out; no one registered is before us. We were originally told 3 months to referral, then 5, and now it looks like six. I hope we have a referral by March. Still, the timelines are very short compared to all the other agencies I looked at; hopefully it will happen someday.

Today, I have been thinking about our multitude of reasons for having trouble waiting for a referral; waiting for a baby. It hasn’t always worked for us, sometime spectacularly so. First, losing Zeno. Then, luck, we had Eli come home, and so very young, like magic; we couldnt believe he would ever come home, and then he did. Then Kyrgyz, and the journey stopped there and the tragedy of families caught in the shuffle. Now, a new country, waiting, maybe, maybe, maybe.....

One thing I lost in the middle of this journey, the Kyrgyz group. Such an amazing group of individuals. Lots of smart, level heads, with good ideas to contribute, a real community. I have not had as much luck yet with finding anything similar in the Ethiopia world, but I hope I do someday.

Another thing? belief that a child will come home.

I feel as if International Adoption & transracial adoption are undergoing huge changes. Sometimes it feels as if they are under attack. At the same time, I do believe in supporting families, in helping children stay with families, when possible. I also think that children should be with forever families at a young age, if they can, and I believe in honest adoptions. How these statements go together is a very complicated tapestry at this point, but I dont believe they are incompatible.

I feel that for most people, matching their family is one of the most basic premises, coded in from infancy. To support a family bonded in difference with love is hard for some people to understand.

It is no longer hard for me to understand. It is home.

Again with the Rain

2010-01-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, so a year has passed, and I havent written in this blog. Time is now to start.

Today we did not receive a referral. We have been waiting 5 months since our paperwork was registered and this week I got really excited because our adoption rep was visiting Ethiopia and said he was going to get referrals.

He did. Just not ours.

For those in the peanut gallery that care, we are an adoptive family, awaiting a infant or toddler girl from Ethiopia. I think the age range is 9-18 months, but until we have a picture and a hopefully correct birth date, we know nothing.

My response to the wait:

Read the groups. Stop reading the groups. stop entirely. Stop posting.

here I am.

Rain, rain......

2009-01-06T18:42:00.001-08:00

It is almost about to rain, but the question is what? and when? And how about where?

Will this path lead to our family growing? Will we stay and fix up this big ol' house in the mission? Are the members of my band going to change? Will we move? Will we get to record at the Chapel of the chimes? Will the new baby come home quick or slow? Are they born yet?

One thing is certain, Rumsey will want another walk. He is a fine dog, almost 7 years old now, and if he would stop leaping into the air chasing his ball, his legs would be much better off. It's costing a mint to keep his body working, and then he leaps and starts it all over again. Oh well!

And he loves, loves, loves walking in the rain. That can be a wonderful thing, really. I miss our mornings at McLaren Park, the wild hidden wonder of San Francisco. One dreads going out in the rain, but if you are dressed right and it isnt miserably cold, it becomes so beautiful to be outside. I miss that as a mom, being out in the wild every day. The Persidio is our new extra haunt and it is also beautiful.

Eli is giving me the business lately. What he wants, who knows! But he is pushing my buttons. I do know, that this time, it is not an "adoption" issue. Just mom/son politics. He spends most of his time interacting with me as a baby kitty. He even likes to try and use kitty sign language to tell me his needs. He wakes up a baby, and comes and gets me as a baby. It does drive me mildly nuts, but as Darcy says, ask yourself, what does he want from it. Unconditional love. Okay. He also wants to practice being a big brother. I am little sister and he is the big brother, keeping me safe.

I know he wants to be an older brother. I've been trying not to emphasize it again until we know more.

I wonder about his birth family. Does he have older or younger siblings? Are any in the states? I have registered on the Guatemala Birth Family Registry, but no luck as yet. We are starting a search, but I have to have the hours to research the searchers, get their contact info, ask for references, and think more about what we hope for, what we can hope his birthmom might want. I hope connection is possible, but I do worry that we have so much of the control. The ability to search. The passport to the riches of el Norte, the money. The imbalance is difficult. And I wonder about opening a can of worms, especially with the idea of a burden for my son.

But, it is easy to imagine the difficult things, and less easy to keep hold of the beauty and warmth, the intangilbles that make up most relationships. Just as it is easy for people to talk themselves out of being parents, it is so hard to realise what a real connection does for you....the joys of hanging out with E when we are in the groove are impossible to define. A relationship, a true connection has to have the potential for good.

In these times, let's hold that thought.

We have a Hat.....

2008-08-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

January 5. 2009

we have a hat, but not much more......

I am going to start with some leftovers from the last time I was inspired to write....quite a while now. August of 2008.

That is when we became "proud owners of a Kyrgyz hat. I dont know why, but it made me really happy this morning. I guess with all the news about changing policies, and.... then I trailed off.

Our friends were traveling to China to bring home Cha, and I said, "So wonderful that she came home so young and I hope, easily. I wonder every day if our child is born today - born yet. But my new thing is to try to enjoy what I have right now.

Be here now."

And then I couldnt bring myself to post. Or even finish my thoughts on the subject. The policies in Kyrgyz are being changed, hopefully for the better, but almost all referrals groaned to a halt and over 40 families are still stuck in transit. Some have traveled for several trips, and now there is no timeline.

Our agency went on a exploratory trip and came back with a video of one of the orphanges they are helping support. It is in Osh and the children have hearing loss or are deaf. It was amazing. They took the kids to the market to buy coats and shoes. It does seem from the images, and what the director that went on the trip wrote, there is a need for adoption in this country.

With the question of need, we supported some kids on a Christian web site, and I just discovered a non-religious site that looks cool....the site we helped on is from one of the Kyrgy Adopt group:

http://www.actofkindness.blogspot.com/

John really is getting help to the people that need it. The other I just glanced at but looked really cool:

http://www.alpinefund.org/Home.html

And just recently there is some promises of motion in January. I want to see some people continuing on their journeys before ours begin. Some people who where just a bit a head have children home, others are stuck in the journey.

The road is wild.

Eli is growing like a weed. The holidays still have him amped up. Relatives, our friends, so many came to visit. We had Christmas Eve with our bay area family, which is growing by leaps and bounds. Cha, home from China in August at 11 months and Jes home from Korea at 11 months just in time for Christmas. They brought their parents, and then E's Godmonsters and God Parents and we had a wonderful celebration, filled with our this just-add-water and mix-things-up family.

I wasn't sure where our road is leading us; I still have no idea.

My band is going through changes, but things are going along. I thought we would be becoming new parents, so I wasnt particularly worried about the band. What would happen would happen. We are planning on doing a live album and my heart and head are getting into that idea. Ibs will be out with the other group a bunch, but what does that mean? and my family may have a new addition, but when? I dont know if I should book shows or not. This is the third time I have been worried about booking things. What if we should travel to Kyrgyzstan and I have some concert I need to play? What if the timeline is so long we give up on the process. Should we consider domestic adoption? Should we even rock the boat?

Life is sweet with one wonderful boy....his journey was so fast and furious and we really needed that. This time, I wonder what we need, what my music needs, which way I should look, give my energy.

And that brings me back to the simple idea, BE HERE NOW.

Okay, I'll try, but it took me several expensive years of fantastic therapy to be able to believe in making plans for the future and I would like to hold onto some of that work. :)

The French are coming, the French are coming...speaking, reading and what not

2008-08-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

The French are coming, the French are coming.

We had a BBQ several weekends ago, in honor of our visiting French Friends, with beautiful sunshine and about 45 people, and then, the next day, a traditional SF summer picnic in the park, at the usual spot, and yes, in the fog. Beth said we are getting old. We used to do both all the time, and this time, it ruined us all.

Then, Christophe and his boys (the French) came to stay with us the next week. We went to the Oakland Zoo (rocking, our first trip) and to Alcatraz. Alcatraz with 3 adults, and six kids, and Malfi, this cool kids toy I found from some magazine. Christophe's boys, Noe and Elijah loved having the Alcatraz headsets in French, but Eli was done after the Ferry Ride.

And then had a rocking dinner party, 16 adults, 3 kids, outside, at night. Warm San Francisco nights. The menu was out of this world. New World cuisine, and I am still full thinking about it 3 weeks later.

And it is amazing how close friends, are still your friends, even if you don't see them for years on end. The gathering of the tribe is a good thing.

And speaking of that...a tribe at the beginning.

The next day was the first BAKE (Bay Area Kyrgyzstan Adoption Entourage) adoption picnic. I stumbled over, leaving all the boys at home, after a foggy day at the beach with Rumsey, Eli and the French. Suzanne hosted a lovely BBQ, replete with Kyrgyz food. It was so fun to see the three beautiful children home from Kyrgyzstan and cool to meet the fellow Bay Area prospective adoptive parents (PAP's). I hope that such a cool group can be a good touchstone for the children that come home from Kyrgyzstan. An adoptive child has their birth culture taken from them, and is given ours, no questions asked. With Central Asia is 22 hours away, the more connections that I, as a PAP can help build for them, the better. I hope it continues to grow into a good resource for our potential future children.

There was a post a few weeks ago on the Kyrgyzstan board about speech therapy. And I started to respond with a big list of books, but thought it might be invasive. Maybe they know all the books. But it got me thinking ...... maybe I should write down Eli's Favorites from when he was little. Share the wealth of literature my mom has shown me...and save it for some distant future.

I brought the list over here to my blog and decided to write down some of Eli's favorite books that I remember by age, more or less. Then, it got complicated, remembering and I have had been trying to edit it for the rest of July.

My mom is a children's book fanatic, and has turned me into one. I would never had know to read to a baby from the day they were born, the day they came into your family, each and everyday, unless she had shown me. And I would not have know what to read. She often would present some of Eli's favorite books just at the right time for him to fall in love with them. The only down side is that we have so many books, it is hard to choose and hard to find places for them...but one can have worse problems. My mom rocks Eli's library.

And keep in mind, they were Eli's favorites. Some of them I would never had even checked out of the library, but at that age, he LOVED them.

ELI'S FAVORITE BOOKS

0-9 months - any book that rhymes.....
Baby Goes Beep (Rebecca O'Connell) ***
Clap Hands (Helen Oxenbury)
Goodnight Moon (Margret Wise Brown) ***
Hushabye (John Burmingham) - we loved this one
This Little Chick (John Lawrence) - Still likes this one, & talking to mom is cool...
Tickle, Tickle (Oxenbury)
Time For Bed (Mem Fox & Jane Dyer)
Nursery Rhymes - Big pictures & multicultural
Who said Moo ( Ziefert & Taback ) ***

9 -18 months
Going to Sleep on the Farm (Lewison & Wijngaard)
I Like it When (Mary Murphy) - don't-run-in-the-street book, hold my hand!
I Love Trucks (Sturges & Halpern)
I love you like Crazy Cakes (Lewis & Dyer) adoption book
Mice Squeak, We Speak (de Paolo) - great sound and talking book
Runaway Bunny (Brown)
Moon Bear (Frank Asch)
More, More, More, said the baby ( V. B. Williams)
Trucks, Trucks, Trucks (Peter Sis)

18 - 24 Months
Love Songs of the Little Bear (M.W. Brown & Susan Jeffers)***
Carry Me (Rosemary Wells) ***
Cat Goes Fiddle-i-fee - two editions
Four Fur Feet - two editions and loved them when he was tiny
Jamberry (Bruce Degen) - liked paperback version best
Over In the Meadow (Paul Galdone's edition is very nice)
Owl Babies (Waddell & Benson) - mommy always comes back book
Swimmy (Leo Lionni) ***
Where is the Green Sheep? (Mem Fox) - funny book ***
What Game Shall We Play (Hutchinson) - repetitive ***
The Yellow Ball (Molly Bang) ***

2 years
Bears in Pairs (Yektai) ***
Corduroy (Freeman)
Feathers for Lunch (Ehlert)
Good Morning Digger (Rockwell & Greenberg)
Goodnight Owl (Hutchinson)
Harry Maclary (lynley Dodd) *** the whole series
Mr Gumpy's Outing (Burningham)
Sam Who Never Forgets (Eve Rice) dug this book ***
Tough Boris (Mem Fox) - even Pirates cry
Pezzittino (Leo Lionni) ***
Who Sank the Boat? (Pamela Allen) ***
Zen Shorts (Muth) - he was Stillwater for Halloween, so he must have been 2
Nursery Rhymes - We reviewed, comparing different editions. He dug it.

2.5 years
Ant & Bee (Banner) - out of print, but well loved
Dog And Bear (Seeger) a great book about friends, which are becoming intriguing
Hey, Get Off our Train (Burningham)
Homemade Love (bell hooks) -great unconditional love book
How to Hide a Butterfly (Heller)
I'm Mighty (Kate & Jim Mcmullan)
Mama, If you had a wish (Jeanne Modesitt) - great unconditional love book
Pet of the Met (Lydia & Don Freeman)

3.5 years
Anansi the Spider: A Tale from the Ashanti (Gerald McDermott)
Awful Ogre's Awful Day (Prelutsky & Zelinsky)
I'm a Pill Bug (Tokuda, Takahasi & Takahashi)
Puff the Magic Dragon (Yarrow, Lipton & Puybaret)
Skin Again (bell hooks & Chris Raschka)
Shirley, Come Away from the Bath (Burningham)
Superhero (Marc Tauss) - power is so important
The Magic Bed (Burningham)

Books on Reading to your kids:
Babies Need Books (Dorothy Butler) a great booklist by age, great for Library use
The Read Aloud Handbook (Jim Trelease) a great why to read book

I guess I am a book worm....

Late Night Rambles

2008-07-22T22:46:00.001-07:00

July is slipping into August. Still waiting.

I am now less patient with waiting, and yet, it is really just the beginning of it. Waiting with a picture is more so, and waiting after the first trip, I don't even want to go there, yet. And what about people waiting for years, really what do I have to complain about?

I called the agency today and asked about the other families to try and include them in the first BAKE picnic this weekend. And, the agency said the coordinator is going to Kyrgyzstan this week. What that means, I have no idea.

Maybe it means we will get a referral soon. Or maybe not. Or maybe yes. Or, then again, maybe not. I DONT KNOW, and I guess it is best to try and be cool.

BAKE (Bay Area Kyrgyzstan Entourage) sounds like a good group of people. I am looking forward to taking Eli and meeting the people I have met online. I really like the Kyrgyzstan Yahoo group; it has some good threads and wise voices. And good support. I think we can build the BAKE to be a support for our children, these children from the other side of the planet. That is my hope.

I have been reading a bunch of adoption books lately (The Family of Adoption - J. M Pavao especially) and trying to get my head around questions Eli has been asking and some of the behavior that is coming up in his 3 and three quarters journey. Deciding where issues are adoption related and where they are typical I-am-growing-up and I-will-have-choice, that 3 year old differentiation, I have no idea. I guess we will just figure it out as we go along.

I am trying to slow down again to really be with him. Boy! What a ride. He loves to laugh.

He did want to know, maybe 6-8 weeks ago, how did we get him. Him, the specific boy to us the specific family. I didn't know how to answer, because that wasnt supposed to be on the table till he was seven. I made something up.

In my reading, there are two threads that people seem to go with. Dry fact. I dont know, it was random, and romantic, it was meant to be. People have problems with both. Maybe what really needs to be said again and again, is, I can only imagine you, or should it be, you are the perfect child for this family. I am so glad it is you....

That is really the story of parenting. On the fly, just when you least expect it, can you connect, can you field that question out of the blue? Can you try to figure out how to deal with the new emerging, boundary stretching person, right here, right now?

Each day, one day at a time.

The First Steps

2008-07-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

July 9th, 2008

This is my first step to document our trip on The Road Forward. We, a family of three people and one philosopher dog, Rumsey, are prospective adoptive parents (PAP's) of a young wee person from Kyrgyzstan.

I had great news this week. On the 1st of July, our dossier (our stack of papers saying we are people who would really like to add a baby to our family, and yes, we want to love said baby and we promise to take care of said baby, always, FOREVER) was quickly sent to the Embassy to catch up with 3 others that had been stalled there for more than a month. And soon, it will be picked up by the coordinator of the in-country program, and he will deliver it to be translated and then we wait for a referral.

Once we get a referral and say yes, at some undisclosed time in the future, we will be given permission to travel, most likely with the three other families, to CENTRAL ASIA, to the other side of the world, a small country called Kyrgyzstan or the Kyrgyz Republic, and hopefully meet the newest member of our family.

The trip is a minimum of 22 hours away. Either way you go. We will need to go twice.

So, still waiting. But at least in motion.

The three of us plus Rumsey:

My family is my son, my husband and myself, and the aforementioned philosopher dog. I am a musician, I play violin and run a group called Tango No. 9, and juggle that with being a mom.

Eli came home to us from Guatemala at 10 weeks old, almost four years ago, I often say he flew home. It was a short journey, less than six months from the day we decided to try and adopt, to the day he came home, intense, and maybe I'll speak more to it at a later date, but, suffice to say, he rocks. He, theoretically, is thrilled about being a big brother. We read about it, talk about it and he says the baby has been born.

None of us know if it is a boy or a girl. Healthy and happy is our dream.